Category: Eggplant
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Summer Bucket List Found Inside Bottle
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Really Excited Bom, bah, dip, di-di-di-dip Summer is just around the corner! Huzzah! Woop-dee-doo! Hip hip hooray! Three Cheers! Okay, okay – we get it. With just two short weeks left in the academic year, I know that I, for one, cannot wait to slam my laptop…
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Fans React to Michael
Finn Ryan ‘29 Smooth Criminal Last Friday, fans flocked to the theater for the premiere of “Michael,”, Lionsgate’s long awaited biopic of the beloved ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson. Starring Michael’s cousin, Jaafar Jackson, the film covers everything from his time with the Jackson 5 to rise as the biggest…
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Girl Chooses Canadian Tuxedo to Uniquely Fit In
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Fashion Conformist Specialist With the rise of 60 degree weather in Worcester, Holy Cross students are eagerly trying to get away with summer outfits. Shorts galore. Flip flops in class. There’s no wind that can stop a girl’s persistence to wear a romper. But there’s an expiration…
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Student Accidentally Sends Aggressive Rant Email to Professor
Tim Elder ‘28 Aggressive As the semester is coming to a close, the stress levels of all students are greatly heightened and for some it seems the cap has been blown off. Due to these dire circumstances, tragedy struck for a local Holy Cross student over the weekend. Jason Kruger…
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Study Finds It’s So Over
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Sleepy Scientist A recent study published by the Springfield Heights Institute of Technology made a shocking discovery. The study’s lead scientist, Dr Duff N. Schmirtz, says he didn’t believe his findings at first. “At first, I didn’t believe my findings. But we checked the math a few…
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Summer Bucket List Found Inside Bottle
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Really Excited Bom, bah, dip, di-di-di-dip Summer is just around the corner! Huzzah! Woop-dee-doo! Hip hip hooray! Three Cheers! Okay, okay – we get it. With just two short weeks left in the academic year, I know that I, for one, cannot wait to slam my laptop…
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Battle of the Bands
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Very Real Journalist Beloved Holy Cross tradition Battle of the Bands is set for tonight at 7:00 p.m. in the Hogan Ballroom. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but the five foot tall sentient eggplant in “The Spire” office gave me a prophetic vision of how it’s going…
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A Look Inside Pete Hegseth’s Prayer Book
Finn Ryan ‘29 Fr. Ofthebride “…and so the Lord said, ‘English, ************, do you speak it?’” (Tarantinations 19:94) We here at The Eggplant are accepting of all faiths and denominations (except Mormons), and as such take it upon ourselves to do a little cross-cultural enlightening every once in a while.…
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Love Island Is Coming For Holy Cross
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Binging Television Run from it, dread it, but it comes all the same: viral dating shows are quickly becoming one of the most popular global phenomena, drawing the attention of many. Thus, it comes to no one’s surprise that the television series “Love Island” has decided…
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Man Drinks Three Matchas a Day, People Worried
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Concerned About His Image COOL BEANS—A third order of a large matcha for Robert White ‘26 was printed from GrubHub and read by a Cool Beans barista this Tuesday, leading to concerns from the Holy Cross community. Cool Beans has been monitoring the situation for the past…
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MISSING: My Campus Celebrity
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Come home, the kids miss you Tragedy struck this Sunday after I made my daily pilgrimage to Cool Beans. As I hovered around and waited for an open table, something felt…off. Was it darker outside than usual? Was my roommate ominously watching from several paces behind me…
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The Life of a Physical Copy of The Spire
Tim Elder ‘28 Eggplant Editor It lies in wait for someone to grasp its pages and scour through the profound collegiate journalism it has to offer. Whether it be on a table at Cool Beans, the counter at Dag’s or even the floor, the paper copies of The Spire are…
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Club Cited Justifying 10k Casino Bill as a “Proper Use of Club Funds for Team Bonding”
Tim Elder ’28 Can’t Write a Short Headline During this past weekend, it was reported that Holy Cross’ newest club, Club Jousting, had a little too much fun on the club card. During their very real club jousting meet in Atlantic city, various members of the club ventured from the…
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New Housing Options Open for 2026-27
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Living in the Fenwick Spires As housing selection winds down, campus is buzzing with juniors excited to decorate their townhouse and innocent freshmen with no idea what Wheeler has in store for them. But for those who hoped for Figge and had to settle with an electrical…
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Squirrels Livid As Students Spend More Time Outside
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Who’s the Nut here? Spring has officially sprung, and the moods of the student body seem to be rising with the warmer temperatures. The outdoor furniture, which has been deliberately left undusted, has been dug out of the sketchy O’Kane basement and now furnishes all of the…
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Crusader of the Hour: Patrick Ryan
Finn Ryan ‘29 Not Related Name: Patrick Ryan Class Year: 2027 Age: 14 going on 40 Hometown: Parts Unknown Major: Tom to ground control Campus Activities: Stealing tires from the faulty parking garage Favorite Movie: If talking to another guy, “Heat.” If talking to a girl, “When Harry Met Sally”…
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Family Easter Egg Hunts Save Students from Financial Collapse
Tim Elder ‘28 Owes You Money It has come to that time of the semester where students’ bank accounts are in desperate need for grandma’s birthday money or any kind of financial miracle. Thankfully for students the Easter bunnies presence couldn’t have come at a better time. The Easter bunny,…
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Report: Easter is Wrong Holiday to Bring Home Boyfriend
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Observes Claddagh Rings SUBURBS – Holy Cross student Poppy-Toola ‘28 made the grave mistake of bringing her boyfriend of three months to her family’s house for Easter. Her mom told her it was fine. It wasn’t. Jonathan DaDukecon ‘28–Poppy-Toola’s boyfriend—is majoring in Chemistry, but he could not…
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Kimball Chicken Now Made With Real Chicken
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Chicken Correspondent Following Kimball’s new status as one of US News’s top healthy dining halls, Holy Cross Dining has been hard at work to further improve student experience. As Holy Cross’s finest and most food-related news source, The Eggplant had the pleasure of interviewing Kimball’s head chef,…
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Nuclear War? Maybe by Friday!
Finn Ryan ‘29 Resident Soothsayer It’s that time of the year again. That magical time when you first start to see the trees blooming and hear the birds chirping. That beautiful time when you can look out the window and for the first time since August not completely regret going…
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Trump Unworried by Rising Oil Prices, “We’ll Go Ask Popeye for Some”
Finn Ryan ’29 Sailor Man Donald Trump’s Operation Epic Fury launched in late February has in two weeks set off a global energy crisis, spiking the cost of oil to over $100 a barrel thus far. This increase — the full ramifications of which are still yet to be seen…
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Sunny Day Causes Seasonal Hope: Too Good To Be True
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Mr. Golden Sun gone on…sabbatical? Happy First Day of Spring! A little over a week ago, students were given a foretaste of warm weather, and for a brief, yet blissful moment, the Hill was all sunshine, clear blue skies, and 70 degrees. Many students decided to inform…
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Holy Cross Changes Name to UConn for March Madness
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Watched Air Bud Once March Madness may have just begun, but there have already been some big surprises. That crazy upset, the star player injury, and other things I definitely know about because I’m not writing this before it actually begins. Anyways, the biggest surprise of all…
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HC Population Nearly Doubles from RSO Re Recognition Form Submission
Tim Elder ‘28 Real Student After the submission of many re-recognition forms, campus officials are reporting almost 3,000 new Holy Cross students have been discovered. It is indeed that time of the year where club Presidents, Secretaries and Treasurers have been scrambling across campus looking for those vital 15 signatures.…
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Study Finds 99.9% Of Students Suddenly Part Irish
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Irish Poet “Your feet will bring you where your heart is” – Irish Proverb In honor of the upcoming holiday on March 17, Holy Cross has put out a survey in order to see the true percentage of Irish heritage on campus. However, as St. Patrick’s Day…
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Worcester Dunkin’ Irish Donuts Really Just Moldy
Caitlin Wiffler ’27 Donut Expert With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, many businesses are trying their hardest to cater to the Irish population and the select few who like mint-flavored desserts. Dunkin’, Boston Irish-Americans’ place of worship, decided to one-up McDonald’s Shamrock Shake with their own holiday treat:…
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Ayatollah and Neil Sedaka Confirmed to be Same Person
Finn Ryan ‘29 Calendar Girl This past week, the music world was rocked by the loss of 86-year-old singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka, best known for hits such as “Laughter In The Rain” and “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” Sedaka’s passing, while tragic to fans of his illustrious nearly 70-year-long career,…
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Redheads Prepare for Annual Leprechaun Transformation
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Redhead Representative To most people, St Patrick’s Day is for celebrating Irish culture and its many contributions to the beverage world. But for us redheads, the day is anything but lucky. As our friends prepare their B.O.R.G.s (Bottles Of Regular Gatorade), we gingers hide ourselves away in…
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Student Catfished By GroupMe Bot, Loses Everything
Tim Elder ‘28 Wary of which bots to associate with… All Holy Cross students alike know what it’s like to deal with the pain of deleting and avoiding the many GroupMe bots from their various club group chats. Early on, these bots were easy to spot from their robotic tone…
