Category: Eggplant
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BRAND NEW: Professors Get Subtitles!
Cooper Colby ’29 Staff Writer Several unemployed students are desperate for research opportunities at Holy Cross so that employers will read yet another pesky line on their resumes before rejecting them “because it’s the name of the game.” One linguistics student prayed to God for one not-crappy research opportunity to…
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Edgar Allen Poe Doll Tries to Tell Student Who Killed Jimmy Hoffa.
Tim Elder ‘28 Big Dua Lipa Guy It’s that time of year when spooky stories are told and ancient secrets are revealed from the beyond. This past week a local English major was soaring through the halls of Fenwick and came across the very dashing Edgar Allen Poe doll. Naturally,…
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It November
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Google Calendar Emmetrope In a shocking turn of events, it is almost November. Move-in was a long time ago. It was, like, two months ago. Soon to be three. Woah. Or Whoa. Woa? No, there’s definitely an H in there. With Halloween festivities starting on Thursday, students…
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Kimball Announces New Halloween Themed Dining Experience, Featuring Worms!
James Condon ‘30 Worm free since 2013! With Halloween just around the corner, everyone on campus is getting ready for the big day. Nowhere are those spooky vibes more prevalent than everybody’s favorite campus dining hall. Our Reporter Otto Goodideas sat down with Kimball Captain Nelson Beckett. Goodideas: Nelson! Thank…
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Midterm Elections: A History
Finn Ryan ’29 Just Sent in His 14th Ballot Midterm election years have always been stuck in the shadow of their much more prolific counterpart: the national election. They don’t receive nearly the same amount of public interest or media coverage, and many Americans don’t even bother to vote. This…
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Professor Confesses That His Entire Class is Dictated by a Magic 8-Ball
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Admiring his 8-Ball WORCESTER, MA – Just last week, Holy Cross Professor Greg Orlando was fired after numerous complaints from students. After a lengthy investigation, Professor Orlando shockingly confessed Thursday that his entire Fall curriculum had been completely dictated by a Magic 8-Ball. “At the start…
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Woman Disappointed to Find No Razor Blades in Candy
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Confectionary Correspondent Many college students believe that they’re too old for trick-or-treating. Sophomore Holly Wien agrees, which is why she got her candy by stealing from a local child. But upon searching through her hard-earned treasure within the plastic pumpkin, Holly was horrified by what she found.…
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7-Year-Old Outruns SCHOOL RECORD at Halloween 5K
Joachim Dalloran ’30 Fastest Man Alive WORCESTER, MA—At this past weekend’s meet, Crusaders of all skill levels participated in the fourth annual Halloween Charity 5K Invitational. 7-year-old Timmy Teddy placed 1st out of roughly 200 of the top runners on campus. His time of 13:54.67 makes him the fastest runner…
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Eggplant Writer Appointed as White House Press Secretary
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Passed a Bar in China WASHINGTON— Holy Cross junior Kaitlyn MacRyan has been selected as the new White House press secretary following the record breaking 5-day tenure of Katie Zacharia. MacRyan was interning for Senator Jim Verdun through the Washington Semester program when she got the call,…
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First-Years Rescued After AI Planned Walmart Trek Gone Wrong
James Condon ‘30 Apologist of Shaving Cream FENWICK FALLS, Mass. — A group of missing first-years was safely returned to Hanselman Hall early this morning after being found alive on the Holy Cross Nature Trail. Stranded for over 20 hours, they were located and rescued by the Department of Public…
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Mute Students Hold Dialogue Dinner, Receives Rave Reviews
Tim Elder ‘28 This past week the many mute students on campus, being the shining lights that they are, held a dialogue dinner and it has been receiving rave reviews from those in the crowd. Students described it as a wonderful time as it was finally a space where no…
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Reanimated Corpse of Jalen Hurts Forced to Play for Eagles
Finn Ryan ‘29 Still Better Than Dak NFL fans were surprised last Sunday when Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts, who tragically passed away from complications involving blood clots a day earlier, was listed as “likely” on the injury report. Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni later announced that the former Super…
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Student Returns to Wrong Holy Cross
Joachim Dalloran ‘30 At the better Holy Cross WORCESTER, MA—Returning to campus after a (hopefully) refreshing fall break, the burning hot summers are transitioning into the cool, breezy, and crisp weather of late October–the climax of the fall foliage display. As well as the 3,103 students that make up the…
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Student’s Entire Personality Now Just Reciting Audio From Old Vines
Zach Verdun ‘27 Professional Doomscroller College of the Holy Cross Sophomore Logan Yoade has his friends and family deeply concerned after recently transitioning his entire identity into a permanent, non-stop loop of audio clips from the inoperative video platform Vine. According to close family and fellow classmates, the 18-year-old has…
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Dorm Mice Excited for Fall Break
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 squeak Campus is buzzing with excitement ahead of fall break; students going home are eager to reunite with their dog, and students staying on campus are relieved to finally get away from their stupid roommates. But those most excited for break are some of campus’s less visible…
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Patrick’s Guide to Glamorizing Going Home for Fall Break
Patrick Ryan ’27 Underwater Ceramic Technician So. You’re going home for fall break. That’s perfectly fine! I’m returning to the sacred land of South Jersey for a few days myself. But just because you’re returning to the homestead to hang out with your parents doesn’t mean everyone has to know…
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Professor is Not That Much Older Than Students
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Miniscule Problem Reporter Seemingly a 45-year-old father of three, cool-guy Professor Zack Gimbels of the Art Department is really only 26 years old. “How can this beanie-wearing man be only five years older than me?” asked senior Claire Donaldfagen ‘27. “I knew he was one of those…
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Spire “Writer” Heads to the Big Leagues
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Watching Chicken Little It finally happened. After years of students writing countless articles, one student has finally caught national attention. From news articles about federal officials to many, and I mean many, articles from the eggplant satirizing Kimball, Oliver Sutton has made it to the big…
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Fall Break: A Normal Sized Length Haiku
James Condon ‘30 Serious Journalist And Poet The Printer Does Work No Moldy Shower Curtains I Hate It At Home! Photo courtesy of the Holy Cross Dead Poet’s Society
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Self-Proclaimed “Trailblazing” Radio Host Sure Loves Jeff Buckley
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Sure Loves Cocteau Twins WCHC 88.1 FM, “Worcester’s Only Alternative Source,” is proudly home to the college’s finest DJs. This Saturday, shows went back on the air with many returning and new DJs. Shows like “Shut Up and Listen!” with Sabrina Sullivan ‘27 and Caitlin Wiffler ‘27…
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Trump Changes Course on Iran After Conversation with Warlock of the Dreaded North Forest
Finn Ryan ‘29 Dark Acolyte Donald Trump announced this weekend that the United States will be immediately ceasing all military action toward Iran effective Monday morning. This shocking turn of events comes just hours after Trump’s meeting with the Warlock of the Dreaded North Forest, whose real name is unpronounceable…
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Zeus Chooses Owen Wilson Over ‘Inconvenient’ Flood
Cooper Colby ‘29 Inconvenienced Writer This weekend, a vicious storm tore through campus, leaving Holy Cross President Vincent D. Rougeau’s office flooded with water. Furthermore, the horrible storm ravaged Dinand Library like a maelstrom, leaving the remains of the building flooded “as if I get paid enough to deal with…
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“Florida Man” visits Holy Cross
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Putting on His Boots At first, everyone thought “Florida Man” was just a myth.A creature of legend, known only through crazy headlines and concerning news alerts. But on September 24th, the legend quickly became a reality when “Florida Man” made his way to the Holy Cross…
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Brooks Blown Away in Nor’Easter
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 IT’S RAINING SIDEWAYS Ladies, gentlemen, and esteemed readers: it finally happened. After more than fifty years of housing students and mice alike, Holy Cross has been freed from the scourge that was Brooks Hall. As the winds picked up last weekend, several Brooks residents claim to have…
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Dinand vs. Mr. Freeze
Tim Elder ‘28 Supervillain Scholar As the semester has progressed, students have become more and more intolerant of the aching levels of heat in Dinand Library. The school has seemingly added two white tubes of air conditioning, but these are more of an eyesore than a heat reliever.Due to the…
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Head Coach Curran: We Will Stop at Nothing to Win Zero More Games
Patrick Ryan ’27 Aspiring Waterboy WORCESTER, MA — In a press conference following last Saturday’s game against Lafayette, Holy Cross Football head coach Dan Curran assuaged ’Sader fans by assuring them that the team would stop at nothing to win zero more games. “I know a lot of you are…
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Holy Cough Epidemic Spreads Twofold
Joachim Dalloran ‘30 Rare Survivor WORCESTER, MA—While a tumultuous and damaging Nor’easter storm wreaked havoc across New England, that wasn’t the only emergency this past weekend. New cases of the infamous “Holy Cough” virus have plagued its way through campus, with no plans to dwindle.According to the Biology Department, a…
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Holy Cross Ranked 3rd Best School With Extremely Dangerous Stairs
James Condon ‘30 Staph Writer WORCESTER, Mass. – Middle-aged Holy Cross Alumni everywhere rejoice as U.S News and World Report ranks Holy Cross 22nd of Liberal Arts Colleges in America. But as many prepare to incessantly tell their kids and coworkers they graduated from a top 25 institution (neither particularly…
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New Printing System Blows Years Off Student’s Life
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Ignite Developer The new printing system has received a lot of feedback, and it hasn’t all been positive. In fact, it’s been negative, nasty, awful, vile, and I guess, in a word, because I’m running out of synonyms, bad. Hundreds of thousands of students have sent in…
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“My Name is Al, not AI. This MUST End.”
Cooper Colby Writer Alvin DiCation, a twenty-year-old sophomore at Holy Cross, came to us late last night with a slippery piece of spinach caught between his front teeth and a brutal summary of his first four weeks of the semester. “My name is just Al, but the muffins here read…