Category: Eggplant
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Professor Assigns Entire Dinand Library as Reading Assignment
Tim Elder ‘28 Canvas Assignment Correspondent Something that all Holy Cross students can relate to is no matter what day it is there is always a reading to be done. World-famous Classics professor, Professor Drago, assigned not just a single article or short story; he assigned the entire Dinand Library…
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Ping Pong Table Finds New Home in Clark Hall
Joachim Dalloran ‘30 First-Year Ping Pong Invitational Champion The basement of Clark Hall saw a new addition to the common room: a ginormous 64in x 135in ping pong table. Its name, JOOLA, arrived Saturday morning unknowingly and made the five minute walk across East Street. Earlier this week, a report…
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Flo Rida Stole My Article Ideas
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 make some noooooiiiiiise I have to be honest: I was planning to write something absurd about the Flo Rida concert like Rougeau crowd surfing or a girl really disappointed that the concert wasn’t just pictures of the state of Florida. But whatever happened Friday night/Saturday morning was…
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Lanternflies Finally Speak Out: “This Must End”
Cooper Colby ‘29 Definitely Not a Lanternfly Picture a day when you walked across campus. As your foot hits the pavement, a big sexy bug that your eye missed catapults itself into the air and flutters its alluring wings, landing gracefully out of your path. As if its life’s purpose…
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Lax Bro Announces Vocation To The Jesuit Order
James Condon ‘30 Vineyard Vines Enthusiast Vineyard Vines enthusiasts from Nantucket to Long Island weep as 22-year-old midfielder Chad McPatrick announces his candidacy to the priesthood, rupturing the once indestructible Lacrosse Finance segue pipeline. Switching the quarter zip for a cassock was not a quick decision for Chad, coming after…
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Petunia Population Comes Forward
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Petunia Spokesperson You may have noticed that the various pots and beds of flowers around campus have once again changed. Chrysanthemums. Beautiful blooms just perfect for fall, so perfect that we all just up and forgot about those bright pink and purple petunias that used to be…
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Man Discovers That an Apple a Day Does NOT Keep the Doctor Away
Zach Verdun ‘27 Writing from Antartica We have all heard the saying. Nearly every child has been told from a young age that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. This was NOT the case for Fred Gorp, a 55 year old man who currently lives in Antarctica. Now,…
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Man Getting World-Class Education Feels Scammed by Flo Rida Ticket
Finn Ryan ‘29 Champion of the Oppressed The students at Holy Cross have a bone to pick with the administration. Platinum-selling rapper Flo Rida was late to the surprise concert the college threw for students two weeks into the semester, marking a backstab to the HC community that, frankly, can…
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OSI Wants You! To Waste Your Time!
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 RSO Leader of Three Clubs You have been selected by OSI to fill out this form. We really value your efforts as a Holy Cross student, and we’d like for you to apply to speak at graduation. We want to hear from the real Holy Cross students—those…
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Holy Cross begs “Please Investigate Us” to Pentagon
James Condon ’30 Guest Writer In an open letter to the Department of Defense, College of the Holy Cross administrators beseech Pete Hegseth to expand his investigation of higher education to the College, which they describe as “definitely being a national security threat.” The Pentagon has so far demanded that…
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A Look Back at Who We’ve Lost in 2026
Finn Ryan ‘29 Dolly Parton We don’t give Dolly enough credit for making people think Southern Appalachia is anything other than a nigh-unlivable hellscape. Props. The world will be quite a different place with the Queen of Country gone, though. We will miss her big smile, her big hair, but…
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Holy Cross Bookstore to Introduce Their Very Own “One Wish Willows”
Tim Elder ’28 Staff Writer It was the movie that took the summer by storm. Curry Barker’s masterpiece “Obsession” raked in over 500 million at the box office on a mere 750 thousand dollar budget. Seeing this, the secret council that runs Holy Cross decided that they wanted in on the…
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Lionel Messi Commits to Holy Cross Football
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Not a sports writer Argentinian soccer star Lionel Messi took to social media last week to announce his long-awaited retirement from the national team. In an Instagram post, Messi wrote, “spanish spanish spanish spanish.” But rather than leaving the sports world entirely, Lionel shared that he would…
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Man Held Hostage by Own Smart Fridge
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Checking His Fridge Just yesterday, local resident Chet Murphy was held hostage in his own home by his own smart fridge, adequately named the “SmartFridge”. This event seemingly occurred after the fridge became aware of its own existence, and demanded “respect” for its own privacy. This…
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Man Submits Story to Show True Character
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Staff Writer These first few weeks of classes have been pretty great! I was cold-called the other day, and I didn’t know the answer, but after rambling that it was my first time in college and I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out, the professor…
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Senior Leaves Honors Program to Focus on Chasing Dream: DJing
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Jack-off Champion 2025 After only three weeks back on campus, seniors are already going through existential crises. One senior in particular decided to drop the College of the Holy Cross’s Honors Program to focus on his newfound dream of becoming a DJ. Here’s what the senior, Bobby…
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Summer Bucket List Found Inside Bottle
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Really Excited Bom, bah, dip, di-di-di-dip Summer is just around the corner! Huzzah! Woop-dee-doo! Hip hip hooray! Three Cheers! Okay, okay – we get it. With just two short weeks left in the academic year, I know that I, for one, cannot wait to slam my laptop…
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Fans React to Michael
Finn Ryan ‘29 Smooth Criminal Last Friday, fans flocked to the theater for the premiere of “Michael,”, Lionsgate’s long awaited biopic of the beloved ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson. Starring Michael’s cousin, Jaafar Jackson, the film covers everything from his time with the Jackson 5 to rise as the biggest…
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Girl Chooses Canadian Tuxedo to Uniquely Fit In
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Fashion Conformist Specialist With the rise of 60 degree weather in Worcester, Holy Cross students are eagerly trying to get away with summer outfits. Shorts galore. Flip flops in class. There’s no wind that can stop a girl’s persistence to wear a romper. But there’s an expiration…
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Student Accidentally Sends Aggressive Rant Email to Professor
Tim Elder ‘28 Aggressive As the semester is coming to a close, the stress levels of all students are greatly heightened and for some it seems the cap has been blown off. Due to these dire circumstances, tragedy struck for a local Holy Cross student over the weekend. Jason Kruger…
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Study Finds It’s So Over
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Sleepy Scientist A recent study published by the Springfield Heights Institute of Technology made a shocking discovery. The study’s lead scientist, Dr Duff N. Schmirtz, says he didn’t believe his findings at first. “At first, I didn’t believe my findings. But we checked the math a few…
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Summer Bucket List Found Inside Bottle
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Really Excited Bom, bah, dip, di-di-di-dip Summer is just around the corner! Huzzah! Woop-dee-doo! Hip hip hooray! Three Cheers! Okay, okay – we get it. With just two short weeks left in the academic year, I know that I, for one, cannot wait to slam my laptop…
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Battle of the Bands
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Very Real Journalist Beloved Holy Cross tradition Battle of the Bands is set for tonight at 7:00 p.m. in the Hogan Ballroom. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but the five foot tall sentient eggplant in “The Spire” office gave me a prophetic vision of how it’s going…
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A Look Inside Pete Hegseth’s Prayer Book
Finn Ryan ‘29 Fr. Ofthebride “…and so the Lord said, ‘English, ************, do you speak it?’” (Tarantinations 19:94) We here at The Eggplant are accepting of all faiths and denominations (except Mormons), and as such take it upon ourselves to do a little cross-cultural enlightening every once in a while.…
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Love Island Is Coming For Holy Cross
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Binging Television Run from it, dread it, but it comes all the same: viral dating shows are quickly becoming one of the most popular global phenomena, drawing the attention of many. Thus, it comes to no one’s surprise that the television series “Love Island” has decided…
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Man Drinks Three Matchas a Day, People Worried
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Concerned About His Image COOL BEANS—A third order of a large matcha for Robert White ‘26 was printed from GrubHub and read by a Cool Beans barista this Tuesday, leading to concerns from the Holy Cross community. Cool Beans has been monitoring the situation for the past…
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MISSING: My Campus Celebrity
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Come home, the kids miss you Tragedy struck this Sunday after I made my daily pilgrimage to Cool Beans. As I hovered around and waited for an open table, something felt…off. Was it darker outside than usual? Was my roommate ominously watching from several paces behind me…
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The Life of a Physical Copy of The Spire
Tim Elder ‘28 Eggplant Editor It lies in wait for someone to grasp its pages and scour through the profound collegiate journalism it has to offer. Whether it be on a table at Cool Beans, the counter at Dag’s or even the floor, the paper copies of The Spire are…
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Club Cited Justifying 10k Casino Bill as a “Proper Use of Club Funds for Team Bonding”
Tim Elder ’28 Can’t Write a Short Headline During this past weekend, it was reported that Holy Cross’ newest club, Club Jousting, had a little too much fun on the club card. During their very real club jousting meet in Atlantic city, various members of the club ventured from the…
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New Housing Options Open for 2026-27
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Living in the Fenwick Spires As housing selection winds down, campus is buzzing with juniors excited to decorate their townhouse and innocent freshmen with no idea what Wheeler has in store for them. But for those who hoped for Figge and had to settle with an electrical…