Category: Eggplant
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Dorm Mice Excited for Fall Break
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 squeak Campus is buzzing with excitement ahead of fall break; students going home are eager to reunite with their dog, and students staying on campus are relieved to finally get away from their stupid roommates. But those most excited for break are some of campus’s less visible…
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Patrick’s Guide to Glamorizing Going Home for Fall Break
Patrick Ryan ’27 Underwater Ceramic Technician So. You’re going home for fall break. That’s perfectly fine! I’m returning to the sacred land of South Jersey for a few days myself. But just because you’re returning to the homestead to hang out with your parents doesn’t mean everyone has to know…
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Professor is Not That Much Older Than Students
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Miniscule Problem Reporter Seemingly a 45-year-old father of three, cool-guy Professor Zack Gimbels of the Art Department is really only 26 years old. “How can this beanie-wearing man be only five years older than me?” asked senior Claire Donaldfagen ‘27. “I knew he was one of those…
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Spire “Writer” Heads to the Big Leagues
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Watching Chicken Little It finally happened. After years of students writing countless articles, one student has finally caught national attention. From news articles about federal officials to many, and I mean many, articles from the eggplant satirizing Kimball, Oliver Sutton has made it to the big…
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Fall Break: A Normal Sized Length Haiku
James Condon ‘30 Serious Journalist And Poet The Printer Does Work No Moldy Shower Curtains I Hate It At Home! Photo courtesy of the Holy Cross Dead Poet’s Society
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Self-Proclaimed “Trailblazing” Radio Host Sure Loves Jeff Buckley
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Sure Loves Cocteau Twins WCHC 88.1 FM, “Worcester’s Only Alternative Source,” is proudly home to the college’s finest DJs. This Saturday, shows went back on the air with many returning and new DJs. Shows like “Shut Up and Listen!” with Sabrina Sullivan ‘27 and Caitlin Wiffler ‘27…
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Trump Changes Course on Iran After Conversation with Warlock of the Dreaded North Forest
Finn Ryan ‘29 Dark Acolyte Donald Trump announced this weekend that the United States will be immediately ceasing all military action toward Iran effective Monday morning. This shocking turn of events comes just hours after Trump’s meeting with the Warlock of the Dreaded North Forest, whose real name is unpronounceable…
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Zeus Chooses Owen Wilson Over ‘Inconvenient’ Flood
Cooper Colby ‘29 Inconvenienced Writer This weekend, a vicious storm tore through campus, leaving Holy Cross President Vincent D. Rougeau’s office flooded with water. Furthermore, the horrible storm ravaged Dinand Library like a maelstrom, leaving the remains of the building flooded “as if I get paid enough to deal with…
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“Florida Man” visits Holy Cross
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Putting on His Boots At first, everyone thought “Florida Man” was just a myth.A creature of legend, known only through crazy headlines and concerning news alerts. But on September 24th, the legend quickly became a reality when “Florida Man” made his way to the Holy Cross…
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Brooks Blown Away in Nor’Easter
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 IT’S RAINING SIDEWAYS Ladies, gentlemen, and esteemed readers: it finally happened. After more than fifty years of housing students and mice alike, Holy Cross has been freed from the scourge that was Brooks Hall. As the winds picked up last weekend, several Brooks residents claim to have…
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Dinand vs. Mr. Freeze
Tim Elder ‘28 Supervillain Scholar As the semester has progressed, students have become more and more intolerant of the aching levels of heat in Dinand Library. The school has seemingly added two white tubes of air conditioning, but these are more of an eyesore than a heat reliever.Due to the…
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Head Coach Curran: We Will Stop at Nothing to Win Zero More Games
Patrick Ryan ’27 Aspiring Waterboy WORCESTER, MA — In a press conference following last Saturday’s game against Lafayette, Holy Cross Football head coach Dan Curran assuaged ’Sader fans by assuring them that the team would stop at nothing to win zero more games. “I know a lot of you are…
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Holy Cough Epidemic Spreads Twofold
Joachim Dalloran ‘30 Rare Survivor WORCESTER, MA—While a tumultuous and damaging Nor’easter storm wreaked havoc across New England, that wasn’t the only emergency this past weekend. New cases of the infamous “Holy Cough” virus have plagued its way through campus, with no plans to dwindle.According to the Biology Department, a…
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Holy Cross Ranked 3rd Best School With Extremely Dangerous Stairs
James Condon ‘30 Staph Writer WORCESTER, Mass. – Middle-aged Holy Cross Alumni everywhere rejoice as U.S News and World Report ranks Holy Cross 22nd of Liberal Arts Colleges in America. But as many prepare to incessantly tell their kids and coworkers they graduated from a top 25 institution (neither particularly…
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New Printing System Blows Years Off Student’s Life
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Ignite Developer The new printing system has received a lot of feedback, and it hasn’t all been positive. In fact, it’s been negative, nasty, awful, vile, and I guess, in a word, because I’m running out of synonyms, bad. Hundreds of thousands of students have sent in…
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“My Name is Al, not AI. This MUST End.”
Cooper Colby Writer Alvin DiCation, a twenty-year-old sophomore at Holy Cross, came to us late last night with a slippery piece of spinach caught between his front teeth and a brutal summary of his first four weeks of the semester. “My name is just Al, but the muffins here read…
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Bob Cousy Dead Excited About The Last Pass Staged Reading
Patrick Ryan ’27 Sixth Man of the Year WORCESTER, MA— Last Friday, Bob Cousy was found dead excited about the staged reading premiere of “The Last Pass,” Vincent Murphy’s adaptation of a NYT-bestselling book chronicling Celtics legend Bob Cousy’s memories of his partnership with teammate Bill Russell throughout the racial…
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Holy Cross Class of 2030 to be Dominated by Preschoolers
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Playing with Playdough In shocking news, President Rougeau recently announced that Holy Cross will be expanding its horizons, now allowing anyone to apply with no prerequisites or barriers. No longer will the college be limited by the confounds of academic readiness, instead they are openly accepting…
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Roommate Sleeps Entire Weekend
Charlotte MacQuattie Cozy Correspondent Junior Mattie Ress was not surprised to see her roommate, Kat Knapp, napping after class on Friday. It was their usual naptime of 3 pm, and Mattie figured that her fatigued friend would eventually wake up for dinner at 6, but as the hours ticked by…
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Kid Trapped In Small Talk at Party
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Friend of Townhouse 1D Member WORCESTER, MA — Sophomore Grace Pine ‘29 was found trapped in the horrific situation commonly referred to as “small talk” this Thursday during a student band’s roaring cover of Paramore’s “Ain’t It Fun.” Reporters on the scene say that the incident occurred…
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Holy Cross Announces Mandatory Weekday Dress Code
Joachim Dalloran ‘30 Very Supportive This past week, locked away in an unnamed location on Mount Saint James, President Rougeau met with the Class Deans to discuss a serious matter: Appearance. “As we advance into the second quarter of the twenty-first century, our academics remain at the core of our…
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Students For Contingent Faculty Seek Nobel Prize For 2 Week Instagram Campaign
James Condon ’30 Chief Meatball Correspondent STOCKHOLM – Researching the feasibility of an IKEA on Freshman Field, I expected to be the only Crusaders in Sweden. Thus, I was happily surprised to see a group of Holy Cross students walking out of the Nobel Foundation with Matcha Trader Joe’s bags…
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Professor Assigns Entire Dinand Library as Reading Assignment
Tim Elder ‘28 Canvas Assignment Correspondent Something that all Holy Cross students can relate to is no matter what day it is there is always a reading to be done. World-famous Classics professor, Professor Drago, assigned not just a single article or short story; he assigned the entire Dinand Library…
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Ping Pong Table Finds New Home in Clark Hall
Joachim Dalloran ‘30 First-Year Ping Pong Invitational Champion The basement of Clark Hall saw a new addition to the common room: a ginormous 64in x 135in ping pong table. Its name, JOOLA, arrived Saturday morning unknowingly and made the five minute walk across East Street. Earlier this week, a report…
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OSI Wants You! To Waste Your Time!
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 RSO Leader of Three Clubs You have been selected by OSI to fill out this form. We really value your efforts as a Holy Cross student, and we’d like for you to apply to speak at graduation. We want to hear from the real Holy Cross students—those…
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Flo Rida Stole My Article Ideas
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 make some noooooiiiiiise I have to be honest: I was planning to write something absurd about the Flo Rida concert like Rougeau crowd surfing or a girl really disappointed that the concert wasn’t just pictures of the state of Florida. But whatever happened Friday night/Saturday morning was…
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Lanternflies Finally Speak Out: “This Must End”
Cooper Colby ‘29 Definitely Not a Lanternfly Picture a day when you walked across campus. As your foot hits the pavement, a big sexy bug that your eye missed catapults itself into the air and flutters its alluring wings, landing gracefully out of your path. As if its life’s purpose…
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Lax Bro Announces Vocation To The Jesuit Order
James Condon ‘30 Vineyard Vines Enthusiast Vineyard Vines enthusiasts from Nantucket to Long Island weep as 22-year-old midfielder Chad McPatrick announces his candidacy to the priesthood, rupturing the once indestructible Lacrosse Finance segue pipeline. Switching the quarter zip for a cassock was not a quick decision for Chad, coming after…
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Petunia Population Comes Forward
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Petunia Spokesperson You may have noticed that the various pots and beds of flowers around campus have once again changed. Chrysanthemums. Beautiful blooms just perfect for fall, so perfect that we all just up and forgot about those bright pink and purple petunias that used to be…
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Man Discovers That an Apple a Day Does NOT Keep the Doctor Away
Zach Verdun ‘27 Writing from Antartica We have all heard the saying. Nearly every child has been told from a young age that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. This was NOT the case for Fred Gorp, a 55 year old man who currently lives in Antarctica. Now,…