Caitlin Wiffler ‘27
Concerned About His Image
COOL BEANS—A third order of a large matcha for Robert White ‘26 was printed from GrubHub and read by a Cool Beans barista this Tuesday, leading to concerns from the Holy Cross community. Cool Beans has been monitoring the situation for the past week. Observers have noticed his alarming intake of this green beverage, with many questions arising:
“How can he afford it all?”
“Is he okay? Physically?”
“Is he okay? Mentally?”
“Is he okay?”
As a senior, White is on the Apartment Plan, so it is feasible for him to spend all of his money on matcha.
That’s not the real concern.
The real crux of Matcha Man is WHY? Why is he doing this?
After investigating and observing, we found that White wears his car keys like an accessory. His jingling and metallic ringing around the Hoval led to our discovery that he enjoys the band Geese, but he prefers the lesser known artist Cameron Winter. He reads J.D. Salinger when it’s above 70 degrees out, and his favorite quote is from Mary Oliver. He does not know who Mary Oliver is–he saw the quote on TikTok–but he swears he got it from The New Yorker. He is unaware of Annie Hall (1977), and his family is actively trying to keep it that way. While he is single, he prefers to call his lack of a partner part of his “nomadic lifestyle.”
So, again, why matcha? Why not a chai? A coffee? Water? Well, according to his friend Tony Lacey ‘27–we interviewed him as he sat on an Adirondack chair on the Hoval with his Prada sunglasses lightly touching the brim of his oily nose–“It’s all a part of his ‘health journey.’”
Pre-Med student Francesca Glass ‘28 warns fellow students about prolonged exposure to matcha: “When you order a matcha on GrubHub, read the ingredients. It’s that long, detailed paragraph right under the $6.00: Sugar, Maltodextrin, Coconut Oil, Nonfat Milk, Matcha Green Tea, Corn Syrup Solids, Natural Flavors, Sodium Caseinate, Contains Less than 1% of the Following: Silicon Dioxide (Anticaking Agent), Salt, Guar Gum, Mono and Diglycerides, Dipotassium Phosphate, Green Tea Extract, Soy Lecithin (Emulsifier), Pectin. Product contains Milk, Coconut, Soy. I’m Pre-Med, so I’m really knowledgeable about all of this. I’m a Chem major and everything.”
With White’s graduation approaching, the community is eager to see how this story will end. Some believe he will continue drinking three matchas a day post-grad, others believe he can’t sustain that without Dining Dollars. Bets are currently being placed on whether or not he will be increasing his matcha tolerance by Cinco de Mayo.
Featured image courtesy of Aki Matcha
Copy Edited by Sophia Mariani ’26
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