Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28
Chicken Correspondent
Following Kimball’s new status as one of US News’s top healthy dining halls, Holy Cross Dining has been hard at work to further improve student experience. As Holy Cross’s finest and most food-related news source, The Eggplant had the pleasure of interviewing Kimball’s head chef, Jordan Ramsee, on the newest improvements to Kimball Dining.
(Note: Written format does not properly encapsulate Chef Ramsee’s northern English accent. Please use your imagination to fill these gaps. Cheerio.)
MacQuattie: You must be excited about Kimball being recognized by US News!
Ramsee: Honestly, I was pretty surprised. Sure we have the Cava station, but have you seen our curry? That’s not a health food, that’s a health code violation. Speaking of health code violations, we’re proud to announce that Kimball chicken is now made with 100% real chicken!
MacQuattie: That’s great- wait. Was it not real chicken before?
Ramsee: We’re partnering with a local farm for fresh, real chicken for our beloved students.
MacQuattie: Tell me more, and where was the chicken coming from before?
Ramsee: Sunshine Farm raises only the finest chickens and we’re so happy to be working with them. I recently toured and let me tell you, these are some genuine chickens.
MacQuattie: What do you mean, ‘genuine chickens’? What’s a fake chicken?
Ramsee: Sunshine Farm has wonderful, healthy, and real chickens. They’re free range, whole grain fed, and definitely chickens. They have beaks, feathers, that weird red throat thing, and feet.
MacQuattie: I’m glad to hear they’re chickens. But why do you have to specify that? Was it not chicken before?
Ramsee: These chickens aren’t turkeys, ducks, geese, or emus. They are 100% the real clucking deal.
MacQuattie: Okay… what prompted this change? Was the health inspector finally catching up to you?
Ramsee: Oh please, we bought off the inspector years ago. We put out a survey to our students and asked what improvements they wanted to see in Kimball. We got some silly responses like “fresh fruit” and “milk that hasn’t expired,” but we also got some requests for real chicken. Brilliant!
MacQuattie: But what was the chicken before?! Is that why I haven’t seen the Holy Skunk in a while?!
Ramsee: Scott– I mean, the Holy Skunk is fine. Don’t worry about him. And definitely don’t check the bakery. Anyway, we’re excited to improve the student dining experience. We may even roll out real fish soon too.
MacQuattie: Real? As opposed to what? What are you putting in the food?! Why are you doing this?!
Ramsee: You really want to know? Fine, I’ll tell you. It wasn’t chicken. It was never chicken. But it’s what you people deserved. Every day you kids stroll into Kimball like you own the place. You drop fries all over the floor, break the ice cream machine, dump all your soggy cereal down the drain, and steal from the gluten-free fridge. That’s right, I see you gluten eaters stealing the cookies. You have all of Kimball and you take from the gluten-free people? You’re monsters. Monsters leaving the tables covered in crumbs, monsters walking as slowly as humanly possible, and monsters putting plates full of food in the dish return.
MacQuattie: Let’s get back to the chicken, Jordan.
Ramsee: Right, the “chicken.” Sometimes it was chicken mixed with other meat, sometimes tofu, sometimes a substance still unknown to scientists. But it got the job done, didn’t it? You all lined up for chicken parm and General Tso’s chicken. Nobody suspected a thing, especially after we got Honest Kimball Review in on it. We had a good thing going. But you guys just had to ruin it, didn’t you? What do you want next, lower tuition? Better housing? Parking? Get lost.
At this point, Chef Jordan Ramsee had to step out for a smoke break. But his words ring true: we students kinda suck. Let’s try to do better before we become the chicken parm. Go Cross go!
Featured image courtesy of Wikimedia
Copy Edited by Sophia Olbrysh ’28
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