Finn Ryan ‘29
Resident Soothsayer
It’s that time of the year again. That magical time when you first start to see the trees blooming and hear the birds chirping. That beautiful time when you can look out the window and for the first time since August not completely regret going to college in Worcester, MA. That wonderful time when the President of the United States tweets out half of the Islamic Shahada while our gas prices surge past $4.00. As I write early in the week, many of us are worried that Trump’s bold words and brash actions will lead to the worst: nuclear warfare. In the event we do in fact become engaged in a full-scale bomb-measuring contest by Friday, I’m leaving below a list of predictions for what the world’ll look like afterwards. If I’m right, feel free to come and offer congratulations to my irradiated skeleton sitting on Upper Easy Street.
Prediction #1
It’ll be like Fallout but with much worse music.
Instead of Nat King Cole and Marty Robbins, we’ll have to listen to “Benson Boone” and “Doechii” while trekking across the wasteland. At least maybe Ella Purnell will be there. Whew!
Prediction #2
Trump’s approval rating will still hover around the high thirties.
Who cares if human life as we know it got wiped out, at least Kamala didn’t win. Then we really would’ve been screwed.
Prediction #3
At least one person will get superpowers.
Even if it’s some disgusting messed up science fiction-type mutation like growing gills or turning into a cockroach. Maybe someone will get really lucky and end up like Nuclear Man from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. We don’t want that though. He’s evil.
Prediction #4
Grey’s Anatomy will get renewed for another season.
“Where Grey’s Anatomy dwells, there is my country” – Ben Franklin, 1785
Prediction #5
Trump Meant Something Different.
I think it’s entirely plausible that when Trump said “a whole civilization will die tonight” he was really just locked in a heated game of Civ VI and meant to send that to his buddies instead of posting it on TruthSocial. Going for a domination victory I see. (This article has a lot of video game stuff)
Prediction #6
Something Incredibly Boring Happens.
Really the worst case scenario is that the outcome is something lame and anticlimactic, like they reach a ceasefire or some stupid crap like that. Maybe even right in the middle of writing this article. Oh, the humanity!
Prediction #7
I’ll finally have enough time to read.
This is great. With society gone, it’ll be easy fo… that’s not fair. That’s not fair at all. There was time now. There was… was all the time I needed. That’s not fair… that’s not fair…
Featured image courtesy of NPR
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