Category: Eggplant
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Lanternflies Finally Speak Out: “This Must End”
Cooper Colby ‘29 Definitely Not a Lanternfly Picture a day when you walked across campus. As your foot hits the pavement, a big sexy bug that your eye missed catapults itself into the air and flutters its alluring wings, landing gracefully out of your path. As if its life’s purpose…
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Holy Cross Bookstore to Introduce Their Very Own “One Wish Willows”
Tim Elder ’28 Staff Writer It was the movie that took the summer by storm. Curry Barker’s masterpiece “Obsession” raked in over 500 million at the box office on a mere 750 thousand dollar budget. Seeing this, the secret council that runs Holy Cross decided that they wanted in on the…
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Lionel Messi Commits to Holy Cross Football
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Not a sports writer Argentinian soccer star Lionel Messi took to social media last week to announce his long-awaited retirement from the national team. In an Instagram post, Messi wrote, “spanish spanish spanish spanish.” But rather than leaving the sports world entirely, Lionel shared that he would…
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Man Held Hostage by Own Smart Fridge
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Checking His Fridge Just yesterday, local resident Chet Murphy was held hostage in his own home by his own smart fridge, adequately named the “SmartFridge”. This event seemingly occurred after the fridge became aware of its own existence, and demanded “respect” for its own privacy. This…
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Man Submits Story to Show True Character
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Staff Writer These first few weeks of classes have been pretty great! I was cold-called the other day, and I didn’t know the answer, but after rambling that it was my first time in college and I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out, the professor…
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Senior Leaves Honors Program to Focus on Chasing Dream: DJing
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Jack-off Champion 2025 After only three weeks back on campus, seniors are already going through existential crises. One senior in particular decided to drop the College of the Holy Cross’s Honors Program to focus on his newfound dream of becoming a DJ. Here’s what the senior, Bobby…
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Holy Cross begs “Please Investigate Us” to Pentagon
James Condon ’30 Guest Writer In an open letter to the Department of Defense, College of the Holy Cross administrators beseech Pete Hegseth to expand his investigation of higher education to the College, which they describe as “definitely being a national security threat.” The Pentagon has so far demanded that…
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A Look Back at Who We’ve Lost in 2026
Finn Ryan ‘29 Dolly Parton We don’t give Dolly enough credit for making people think Southern Appalachia is anything other than a nigh-unlivable hellscape. Props. The world will be quite a different place with the Queen of Country gone, though. We will miss her big smile, her big hair, but…
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Summer Bucket List Found Inside Bottle
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Really Excited Bom, bah, dip, di-di-di-dip Summer is just around the corner! Huzzah! Woop-dee-doo! Hip hip hooray! Three Cheers! Okay, okay – we get it. With just two short weeks left in the academic year, I know that I, for one, cannot wait to slam my laptop…
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Fans React to Michael
Finn Ryan ‘29 Smooth Criminal Last Friday, fans flocked to the theater for the premiere of “Michael,”, Lionsgate’s long awaited biopic of the beloved ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson. Starring Michael’s cousin, Jaafar Jackson, the film covers everything from his time with the Jackson 5 to rise as the biggest…
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Girl Chooses Canadian Tuxedo to Uniquely Fit In
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Fashion Conformist Specialist With the rise of 60 degree weather in Worcester, Holy Cross students are eagerly trying to get away with summer outfits. Shorts galore. Flip flops in class. There’s no wind that can stop a girl’s persistence to wear a romper. But there’s an expiration…
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Student Accidentally Sends Aggressive Rant Email to Professor
Tim Elder ‘28 Aggressive As the semester is coming to a close, the stress levels of all students are greatly heightened and for some it seems the cap has been blown off. Due to these dire circumstances, tragedy struck for a local Holy Cross student over the weekend. Jason Kruger…
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Study Finds It’s So Over
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Sleepy Scientist A recent study published by the Springfield Heights Institute of Technology made a shocking discovery. The study’s lead scientist, Dr Duff N. Schmirtz, says he didn’t believe his findings at first. “At first, I didn’t believe my findings. But we checked the math a few…
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Summer Bucket List Found Inside Bottle
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Really Excited Bom, bah, dip, di-di-di-dip Summer is just around the corner! Huzzah! Woop-dee-doo! Hip hip hooray! Three Cheers! Okay, okay – we get it. With just two short weeks left in the academic year, I know that I, for one, cannot wait to slam my laptop…
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Battle of the Bands
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Very Real Journalist Beloved Holy Cross tradition Battle of the Bands is set for tonight at 7:00 p.m. in the Hogan Ballroom. It hasn’t actually happened yet, but the five foot tall sentient eggplant in “The Spire” office gave me a prophetic vision of how it’s going…
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The Life of a Physical Copy of The Spire
Tim Elder ‘28 Eggplant Editor It lies in wait for someone to grasp its pages and scour through the profound collegiate journalism it has to offer. Whether it be on a table at Cool Beans, the counter at Dag’s or even the floor, the paper copies of The Spire are…
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A Look Inside Pete Hegseth’s Prayer Book
Finn Ryan ‘29 Fr. Ofthebride “…and so the Lord said, ‘English, ************, do you speak it?’” (Tarantinations 19:94) We here at The Eggplant are accepting of all faiths and denominations (except Mormons), and as such take it upon ourselves to do a little cross-cultural enlightening every once in a while.…
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Love Island Is Coming For Holy Cross
Zach Verdun ‘27 Currently Binging Television Run from it, dread it, but it comes all the same: viral dating shows are quickly becoming one of the most popular global phenomena, drawing the attention of many. Thus, it comes to no one’s surprise that the television series “Love Island” has decided…
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Man Drinks Three Matchas a Day, People Worried
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Concerned About His Image COOL BEANS—A third order of a large matcha for Robert White ‘26 was printed from GrubHub and read by a Cool Beans barista this Tuesday, leading to concerns from the Holy Cross community. Cool Beans has been monitoring the situation for the past…
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MISSING: My Campus Celebrity
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Come home, the kids miss you Tragedy struck this Sunday after I made my daily pilgrimage to Cool Beans. As I hovered around and waited for an open table, something felt…off. Was it darker outside than usual? Was my roommate ominously watching from several paces behind me…
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Club Cited Justifying 10k Casino Bill as a “Proper Use of Club Funds for Team Bonding”
Tim Elder ’28 Can’t Write a Short Headline During this past weekend, it was reported that Holy Cross’ newest club, Club Jousting, had a little too much fun on the club card. During their very real club jousting meet in Atlantic city, various members of the club ventured from the…
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New Housing Options Open for 2026-27
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Living in the Fenwick Spires As housing selection winds down, campus is buzzing with juniors excited to decorate their townhouse and innocent freshmen with no idea what Wheeler has in store for them. But for those who hoped for Figge and had to settle with an electrical…
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Squirrels Livid As Students Spend More Time Outside
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Who’s the Nut here? Spring has officially sprung, and the moods of the student body seem to be rising with the warmer temperatures. The outdoor furniture, which has been deliberately left undusted, has been dug out of the sketchy O’Kane basement and now furnishes all of the…
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Crusader of the Hour: Patrick Ryan
Finn Ryan ‘29 Not Related Name: Patrick Ryan Class Year: 2027 Age: 14 going on 40 Hometown: Parts Unknown Major: Tom to ground control Campus Activities: Stealing tires from the faulty parking garage Favorite Movie: If talking to another guy, “Heat.” If talking to a girl, “When Harry Met Sally”…
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Family Easter Egg Hunts Save Students from Financial Collapse
Tim Elder ‘28 Owes You Money It has come to that time of the semester where students’ bank accounts are in desperate need for grandma’s birthday money or any kind of financial miracle. Thankfully for students the Easter bunnies presence couldn’t have come at a better time. The Easter bunny,…
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Report: Easter is Wrong Holiday to Bring Home Boyfriend
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Observes Claddagh Rings SUBURBS – Holy Cross student Poppy-Toola ‘28 made the grave mistake of bringing her boyfriend of three months to her family’s house for Easter. Her mom told her it was fine. It wasn’t. Jonathan DaDukecon ‘28–Poppy-Toola’s boyfriend—is majoring in Chemistry, but he could not…
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Kimball Chicken Now Made With Real Chicken
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Chicken Correspondent Following Kimball’s new status as one of US News’s top healthy dining halls, Holy Cross Dining has been hard at work to further improve student experience. As Holy Cross’s finest and most food-related news source, The Eggplant had the pleasure of interviewing Kimball’s head chef,…
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Nuclear War? Maybe by Friday!
Finn Ryan ‘29 Resident Soothsayer It’s that time of the year again. That magical time when you first start to see the trees blooming and hear the birds chirping. That beautiful time when you can look out the window and for the first time since August not completely regret going…
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Trump Unworried by Rising Oil Prices, “We’ll Go Ask Popeye for Some”
Finn Ryan ’29 Sailor Man Donald Trump’s Operation Epic Fury launched in late February has in two weeks set off a global energy crisis, spiking the cost of oil to over $100 a barrel thus far. This increase — the full ramifications of which are still yet to be seen…
