Category: Eggplant
-
American Public Amazed by Catholic Olympian
Finn Ryan ‘29 Professional Fun Hater The American public, who continue to look on athletes slightly out of the norm with the same bewilderment as the Germans did Jesse Owens almost a century ago, have chosen a new object of spectacle this Winter Olympics: 31-year-old Ryan Kelly. Kelly seems like…
-
A Student’s Worst Nightmare: The Cold Call
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Just Making Up Names for Stuff Sometimes you know it’s going to happen, and sometimes it comes from out of the blue. The Cold Call – a phrase that inspires an uncomfortable and inescapable feeling of dread. It’s a student’s worst nightmare. If you can somehow manage…
-
Single Holy Cross Students Spend Valentine’s Day Standing Under Melting Icicles.
Tim Elder ’28 Two Weeks Late It was just a number of weeks ago that Valentine’s Day happenings swept the campus and caused turmoil for many students. A large number of the student population was exiled from their dorms as their roommates had “company” for Valentine’s Day. The number of…
-
The Spire Announces Drop of Water to be Added to Ocean
Amsden Klinghard ‘27 Water Correspondent “If you tap on the glass, the sharks might look at you” – MJ Lenderman We at the Spire are proud to announce our newest feature: we will be adding our very own drop of water to the Atlantic ocean. We hope our bead of…
-
Friends Annoyed by Guy Who Won’t Shut Up About Oscars
Finn Ryan ‘29 Academy Member “Do you think Timmy’s gonna get his first?” “I already know they’re gonna snub ‘Sinners’ HARD this year” “Whatever but if Jacob Elordi wins I’m gonna flip out” These are the types of statements that’ve been pouring nonstop from the mouth of local man Benny…
-
It “Maye” Have been a Fever Dream
Tim Elder ‘28 Big Football Fan No one, other than maybe your local Jets or Bills fan, wanted it to end like this although it always lived in the back of their mind. The students who once held masses for Drake Maye have now begun holding various meetings where they…
-
Professor Waiting For Volunteer
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 A Pleasure To Have In Class Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of students quite like the dreaded read aloud. We all know the feeling; that big block of text appears on the slideshow and a chill is sent down your spine as the professor asks for……
-
Your Forgotten Coffee Gains Consciousness
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Never Forgets a Coffee HOGAN – On Saturday, Feb. 14, a beep was heard ‘round Cool Beans. An iced caramel latte was ordered for Hannah Smith. It sat, waiting, yearning, for the girl to retrieve it. Its ice melted into a pool, resting on top of the…
-
Wannabe Hero Helps Others Equip Oxygen Mask Before Fastening His Own
Patrick Ryan ’27 Window seat enthusiast SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC—Moments after a United Airlines flight bound for London experienced double engine failure approximately two hours after its departure from Logan International Airport, Boston local and cardiologist Frank Costello sprang into action, affixing the oxygen masks that dropped from the cabin’s…
-
Baby, It’s Too Cold Outside
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Cue ice song from Frozen The winter months always seem to be a mix between wonderland and worst nightmare. There are magical times where the snow covers the ground with perfect beauty, the tips of the trees all have a frosty glisten, and the sky is such…
-
Best Date Spots at Holy Cross
Charlotte MacQuattie ’28 Cupid’s unpaid intern Ah, Valentine’s Day. A time for chocolates, rom-coms, and praying to God you marry rich because this whole “political science” thing might not work out for you. As the day of love approaches and brunch reservations fill up faster than econ electives, Crusaders seeking…
-
Now Hiring: Kimball Cheerleaders
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Says On Line Instead of In Line Job Description: Located in Holy Cross’ Kimball Dining Hall, this job is open to any Holy Cross student. Kimball Cheerleaders are located at every station. Equipped with a smile, you will be cheering on students who take too long to…
-
A Preemptive Obituary for The Spire’s Very Own Ashwin Prabaharan
Tim Elder ‘28 Speculating… It is my great dishonor to report that within the next 168 hours The Spire’s very own Ashwin Prabaharan will unfortunately perish. Ashwin is probably survived by other members of his family but that information is not readily available to the mass population. More importantly, Ashwin…
-
White House Releases AI Video Depicting Stephen Miller as a Human
Finn Ryan ‘29 Assistant to the Press Secretary Early last Friday, President Trump posted a video to the White House’s Truth Social account that depicted Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller as a human being. The video initially seemed innocuous, displaying several Trump admin officials working in their offices to Kid…
-
Tripping on Dinand Steps Cited as Top Contributor to Aura Loss
Ian Sykes ‘28 Following an ungodly snowstorm on Mount Saint James, students at College of the Holy Cross have been facing an ongoing struggle with aura loss due to tripping on the icy steps of Dinand Library. Despite there being an amount of salt on the steps that could kill…
-
Punxsutawney Phil Talks Groundhog Day, Return to Acting
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 WPBH-TV9 Reporter Punxsutawney Phil at Gobbler’s Knob in 1985. (Bettmann Archive/Getty Images) (Image courtesy of CNN) On Feb. 2, the iconic forecaster Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. The Eggplant team traveled seven and a half hours to the little land of Punxsutawney, Penn. to…
-
Nation’s Hand Dryers Announce Plan to Push Water Up Sleeves
Finn Ryan ‘29 Stuck in the Bathroom (Image courtesy of The State Journal-Register) Our worst fears are confirmed: they’re doing it on purpose. Early last week, the Hand Dryer Initiative To Live Equally Righteous sent out a memo declaring a new scheme to wet the sleeves of America by pushing…
-
Holy Cross Faces Drake Maye Induced Disease
Tim Elder ’28 Knows a Thing or Two About Diseases Do you know a friend on the Holy Cross campus who believes that Drake Maybe is the second coming of Christ himself? Has this same person worn the same “I Heart Drake Maye” shirt or Drake Maye Jersey every day,…
-
Classics Department Offers Study Abroad in Ancient Rome
Charlottius MacQuatticus ’28 Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur As every other grade spent their weekend diligently studying in Dinand and attending Bible study at Weagle Chapel, sophomores across campus sat refreshing their emails day and night, anxiously awaiting their study abroad decisions. Spanish students crossed their fingers in hopes…
-
Bigfoot Sighting: Not What Local Expected
Kathryn Pellicotte ’29 Lost! He’s big, he’s hairy, he’s the hide and seek icon. Whether you’ve realized it or not, you’ve probably had an encounter with the biggest boy in the forest. You do know who I’m talking about, right? Sass Crotch, Big Feet, or something like that. Could it…
-
Student Achieves Fastest Known STAR Login
Amsden Klinghard ‘29 Definitely a Data Analyst Five password entries, three refreshes, two steps of verification, and one shutdown later, sophomore neuroscience major Peter Capslok has officially broken the record for fastest ever STAR login, at 10 minutes and 37 seconds, a time previously believed to be physiologically impossible. This…
-
Abominable Snowman Swaps Cave For Brooks Hall
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Easy Street Realtor If you are familiar with the film, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, then it is likely that you have heard of the mystical creature who used to live in the treacherous, snot-freezing cold mountains surrounding the North Pole. Yep, you heard that right. He…
-
Amazon Announces Cyborg Sean Connery as New James Bond
Finn Ryan ‘29 Jeff Bezos’s Assistant, Maybe Following Amazon’s recent acquisition of MGM for $8.5 billion, there has been much speculation over who will take up the role of British MI6 agent James Bond following the end of Daniel Craig’s run in 2021. The media titan has slated a 2028…
-
Junior Suspicious His Friends Weren’t Kidding About Studying Abroad
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Chief Eggplant Editor Amusing his mother with autumnal tales of studying abroad in Dublin, Ireland, Thomas McCarthy ‘27 couldn’t wait to delight his friends with stories of his adventures. The snowy campus of Holy Cross awaited his glorious return. He moved into the second floor of Alumni…
-
BREAKING: An Exclusive Interview with a Veteran of the War on Protein
Patrick Ryan ’27 Aspiring wartime choreographer (The following is an unedited transcript of Eggplant reporter Patrick Ryan’s interview with Johnson Parts, a veteran of the War on Protein. Reader discretion is strongly advised) Patrick Ryan: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me, Mr. Parts, it’s…
-
More Than Love Needed Now, Beatles Say
Finn Ryan ‘29 The love you take ≠ the love you make Troubling news out of the pop music and moralist worlds this week as The Beatles announce all you need is, in fact, no longer love. The joint statement comes from former bandmates Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, and the…
-
Hockey Recruits Polar Bear
Charlotte MacQuattie ’28 Waiting on my check from Polar Seltzer The Crusaders have had a promising start to the hockey season: with a number of home wins and a seemingly endless supply of local children to do the 6-7 thing at the rink cameras, they’re on the road to NCAA…
-
We Are Burned Out
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Like that one orange bulb on a string of Christmas lights. Christmas break is just around the corner, and as we head into finals week it stretches ahead of us like a shining beacon of hope. We reached our hands eagerly towards it like depressed, sleep-deprived Gatsbys…
-
A Response to the Haters from Team Eggplant
Finn Ryan ‘29: This article is supposed to be “satire” at the expense of Italian Americans to make a stupid statement on Trump. 🙂 It isn’t funny. 🙁 Imagine if the author wrote the same racist article but aimed at African Americans? Too far. But the author chooses to take…
-
ICE Comes to Holy Cross, Students Protest Water Waste
Tim Elder ’28 Do I have this Right? A number of weeks ago the animosity levels on the Holy Cross campus were at an all time high and rightfully so. The source of this hostility was due to the school announcing that ICE would be making a grand appearance on campus. …