Finn Ryan ‘29
Professional Fun Hater
The American public, who continue to look on athletes slightly out of the norm with the same bewilderment as the Germans did Jesse Owens almost a century ago, have chosen a new object of spectacle this Winter Olympics: 31-year-old Ryan Kelly.
Kelly seems like the average Olympic snowboarder on the outside: he’s balanced, quick on his feet, and has cat-like reflexes. On the inside, however, the bronze medalist is harboring something that truly sets him apart from the rest: he’s a Catholic.
Understandably, this has bewildered the minds of many and turned Kelly into a national sensation back at home. “I didn’t even know they let them compete,” said 68-year-old Omaha, Nebr. native Edith Miller. “But I guess I was just as surprised when Obama was elected.”
“He’s only loyal to the Pope anyway, shouldn’t even be on the American team,” Mark Chapman of Dayton, Ohio thoughtfully contributed. “Probably gonna melt down his medals and send them to the Vatican when this is all done. Damn papist.”
Kelly has announced he plans to go on the Today Show once he gets back from Milan, which should keep him the topic of grandma’s bridge club conversations across the country for another week or so–at least until he inevitably appears on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.”
Kelly’s Catholicism, extraordinary as it may be, is however not the first time we’ve been oddballs in the Olympic Games. For example, apparently one of the figure skaters this year has … dyed hair? And there was a pommelhorse guy last year who … wore glasses? They can do that??
Featured image courtesy of Vocal Media
Copy edited by Lauren Zerella ‘29
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