Patrick Ryan ’27
Window seat enthusiast
SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC—Moments after a United Airlines flight bound for London experienced double engine failure approximately two hours after its departure from Logan International Airport, Boston local and cardiologist Frank Costello sprang into action, affixing the oxygen masks that dropped from the cabin’s ceiling to his two young daughters, aged five and seven, before then equipping his own.
“Get a load of this jackass,” said Carole Carpenter, a freelance mime who was sitting in the row behind Costello when the incident occurred. “I mean, was this guy even paying attention when the flight attendants did their spiel? Unless you don’t need oxygen to breathe, which as far as I can tell you do because you look like a human being, why don’t you just follow the very clear instructions we were given? You’re not Superman, pal, so stop trying to save the day.”
“Thank you for speaking up,” chimed Joe Francese, who had been sitting in front of the Costello clan. “These jokers have been messing around the entire flight. We seasoned travelers all know how it is proper etiquette to have your tray table up and your seat back in the full upright position during takeoff. Well, when we were taking off, he had his tray table DOWN and his seat slightly RECLINED! It’s like he’s asking to incur some sort of liability to the airliner!
At this point, due to extreme turbulence as well as the steep dive that the airplane was in because of the lack of operational engines, the wings were ripped off the airplane’s body and sent spinning into the ocean, while the window in Mr. Costello’s row shattered. Mr. Costello quickly unbuckled his seatbelt to grab his daughter, who was being pulled out of the window and into the windy vortex.
“AGGGHHHHHHH,” cried Ms. Carpenter. “Tell me he didn’t just get up when the seatbelt light is still on! You’ve got to be kidding me!” “Right?” screamed Mr. Francese, whose carry-on bag had exited the airplane and reached a terminal velocity as it plummeted towards the Earth’s surface. “Next thing you know, he’s gonna light up a cigarette in here! I mean, how are we supposed to function as a society if we just don’t have any rules?”
With the plane now at a 90-degree angle, Mr. Costello began fumbling with his jeans’ pockets, trying to grab his cellphone. “OH NO!” yelled Ms. Carpenter. “You better not do what I think you’re about to do, buddy!” Frantically, Mr. Costello began texting his wife, attempting to formulate what would almost surely be his last words to his soulmate. “GIVE ME A BREAK,” shouted Mr. Francese. “IT’S CALLED AIRPLANE MODE, EVER HEARD OF IT? YOUR TEXTS CAN WAIT FOR A BIT UNTIL WE LAND OKAYYYYYYYYY—
Suddenly, Mr. Francese and Ms. Carpenter were whisked from their seats and tossed into the open air, with their wailing growing softer and softer as they became smaller and then nearly imperceptible dots to those still in the plane. Almost immediately, the pilot was miraculously able to regain control of the aircraft and safely land in the Azores shortly thereafter. “Phew, that was close,” Mr. Costello said, lighting a celebratory cigarette.
Featured image courtesy of Wikipedia User DemonDays64 – CC BY 4.0
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