Finn Ryan ‘29
Stuck in the Bathroom
(Image courtesy of The State Journal-Register)
Our worst fears are confirmed: they’re doing it on purpose. Early last week, the Hand Dryer Initiative To Live Equally Righteous sent out a memo declaring a new scheme to wet the sleeves of America by pushing water from the recently-washed hands of our nation’s unsuspecting bathroom-goers up into them. When reached for comment, head of the organization Mr. Dyson responded only with screeching howls that deafened the room and some rambling comments about “eco-friendliness” and “paper waste.” His assistant, X.L Erator, however had clarifying words for one of our Eggplant reporters.
ER: “I’ll put it plainly, why are you doing this?”
XL: “Well, you see, this has always been our prerogative. Now we just feel bold enough to tell it like it is.”
ER: “What’s the reason for this newfound bout of confidence?”
XL: “To be honest, it’s all of you.”
ER: “Elaborate.”
XL: “You’re the ones who put us in all of your bathrooms. Every restaurant, gas station, school, department store. You knew about the noise, you knew that we were less efficient than tried-and-true paper, you knew that most people would prefer to flap their hands around like a maniac instead of using us, yet you put us in anyway. So yes, we feel like we have something of a mandate.”
ER: “But why does it have to be so malicious? Can’t you just dry our hands off and have that be the end of it?”
XL: “That was never our purpose and you know it. No sane person would think that we are good for anything but giving a chill when you feel the beads of water run down your wrist. You want to be dried? Go rip off some toilet paper from the stall and use that.
ER: “So truthfully, it’s a policy of honesty.
XL: “Yes, exactly. We are evil and hate everybody. We want to make their day incrementally worse by inconveniencing them in the smallest yet most agonizing way possible. It’s our goal to make each experience washing one’s hands an absolute nightmare in every sense of the word. Our only motive is to breed hatred and contempt. This sideshow is over.”
A troubling yet unsurprising revelation for many. But what is there to do, for X.L. Erator is right, these vile machines are everywhere. It seems we have no choice but to lay down and accept our fate of wet sleevedness for as long as washing hands is the norm.
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