Tim Elder ’28
Knows a Thing or Two About Diseases
Do you know a friend on the Holy Cross campus who believes that Drake Maybe is the second coming of Christ himself? Has this same person worn the same “I Heart Drake Maye” shirt or Drake Maye Jersey every day, even in the shower, since the NFL playoffs began? If so your eyes don’t deceive you, your friend is sadly suffering from a disease that scientists are calling ADMIS or Acute Drake Maye Induced Syndrome. It is a disease or as the patients themselves call it a “blessing” that is sweeping all of New England in light of the Patriots’ recent success.
Students suffering from this disease have begun holding their own mass at St. Joseph Memorial Chapel. During these masses they place a Maye jersey in the front of the chapel and pray to god that Drake gets a good night’s rest.
At Kimball it has been reported that instead of saying grace over their meals, students clasp their hands together and collectively thank Drake Maye for existing, not for his football success, they simply thank him for waking up everyday. The only time these students have been reported thanking God himself is when they thank God for meticulously crafting Drake Maye. Google and ChatGPT are reporting that many have looked into various plastic surgeries to remove tendons within their arms and legs so Drake Maye can have a back up if needed. Some would call this an unhealthy obsession, but some would simply say it’s worth it for a seventh ring.
After Drake was limited in practice this week with a shoulder injury, class attendance rates dropped to a year low. If Drake doesn’t prevail in the Super Bowl it seems the campus can expect a fate that is possibly worse than death.
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