Amsden Klinghard ‘29
Definitely a Data Analyst
Five password entries, three refreshes, two steps of verification, and one shutdown later, sophomore neuroscience major Peter Capslok has officially broken the record for fastest ever STAR login, at 10 minutes and 37 seconds, a time previously believed to be physiologically impossible. This is truly the start of a new era of digital efficiency, where students can use technology to achieve incredible things!
“I want this victory to stand as a testament, that anyone can access their basic academic information with discipline, passion, and a whole lot of perseverance,” said Capslok in his interview with the Eggplant. “A lot of people create a psychological barrier after the first error message, but I wanted to show the world that more was possible”
After breaking the record and obtaining access to STAR by heroic effort, Capslock, soaked with sweat, successfully confirmed that his 8:00 AM economics class was indeed in Stein 306, and hurried on his way, arriving only seven minutes late.
This is not the first attempt Capslok has made at the Canvas record, having gone through his share of disappointment. Numerous failures even led critics to tell him it was impossible to achieve his goal. His first attempt was thwarted by a phone left zipped in his backpack on the other side of the room. Capslock made a daring lunge, struggling to complete the two-factor check before time ultimately ran out. “You gotta have the phone within arm’s reach at all times” said Capslok. “That’s the first rule of a successful login”
Other attempts were ruined by attempting to log into STAR without first logging into Ignite, sending Capslok deep into the backrooms of the SalesForce PeopleSoft WebLogic Application Server, never to return: “There’s always the urge to skip ahead, but it comes back to you in the end. Respect the game, and it will respect you back.”
Sometimes logins result in unrefreshable “403: Access Forbidden” messages for reasons yet to be understood, stopping a log-on attempt dead in its tracks. “Sometimes you can do everything right and still come up short. All you can do is pick yourself up and try again”
This time, however, everything fell into place for Capslok, who has become an instant celebrity. “He’s such an inspiration,” said junior Laurie Flascard. “He makes me believe that maybe someday, somehow, I’ll be able to log into Canvas for an assignment without losing my train of thought partway through the obstacle course”
Capslok has thus far refused to take a side on the biggest debate among STAR athletes: “I can’t say if HCWireless or HCGuest is better for frozen pages. Sometimes switching it can ‘shock’ the page into loading, but I personally prefer pressing the refresh/cancel button again and again and pounding my fist on the table”
Capslok is currently training for the Fastest Known Dinand Print, an endeavor he expects to be even more difficult than the STAR record.
Featured image courtesy of College of the Holy Cross IT Department
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