Finn Ryan ‘29
Fr. Ofthebride
“…and so the Lord said, ‘English, ************, do you speak it?’” (Tarantinations 19:94)
We here at The Eggplant are accepting of all faiths and denominations (except Mormons), and as such take it upon ourselves to do a little cross-cultural enlightening every once in a while. Just this week we were lucky enough to get our grubby little hands on one of Pete Hegseth’s very own prayer books, stolen directly from his home at 3057 B Patton Branch Rd, Goodlettsville, Tennessee! We’d like to share a couple verses from the rich southern Christian tradition that has done so much good for this country.
Ah, here’s one of my favorite passages: “Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Where is Abel, your brother?’ To which Cain replied, ‘you talkin’ to me?’” (DeNiresis 19:76). And who could forget the heroic tale of Moses confronting the pharaoh of Egypt and commanding, “let my people go!” to which the Israelites responded, “so you’re telling me there’s a chance!” (Carreynthians Dumb:Dumber).
As kids, I’m sure we all had favorite Bible stories that we’d love to hear told. David slaying Goliath. Jonah being swallowed up by the whale. Noah shipwrecking on a desert island and becoming friends with a volleyball. Jesus dying on the cross but uttering “I’ll be back,” before he went. Joseph telling the innkeeper that nobody puts baby in a manger.
Between the bourbon-soaked pages and weird poetry scribbled in the margins, we managed to find a collection of hymns, too. Classics like “Amazing Grace & Frankie,” “Joy to the Wayne’s World,” and “How Great Ann Dowd Art.”
This may sound foreign and strange to some of you, but let’s not be too quick to judge. Remember, Jesus said “let he who is without sin eat his liver with a fine chianti.” Besides, people express their faiths in different ways and that’s what’s so beautiful about America. And who knows, maybe we’ll be lucky and this is like a Heaven’s Gate-type situation.
Featured image courtesy of Britannica
Copy Edited by Ella Woei ’26
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