Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28
Sleepy Scientist
A recent study published by the Springfield Heights Institute of Technology made a shocking discovery. The study’s lead scientist, Dr Duff N. Schmirtz, says he didn’t believe his findings at first. “At first, I didn’t believe my findings. But we checked the math a few times, made sure to carry the two, and got the same result each time.” The research team’s groundbreaking conclusion? It’s so over. Yes, “it’s so over” is more than just an expression of despair for college students who’ve failed yet another English 101 grammar test (we’ve all been there). It’s now a scientific fact that it’s so over. Holy Cross junior Ty Eyred, who we found taking a nap in the Dinand stacks, wasn’t surprised by the study’s findings. “I’m not surprised. It’s been over. I haven’t opened any of my textbooks since midterms.” Ty isn’t alone; over 99% of college students agree that it’s so over. What’s so over? It. What’s it? So over.
Crusaders are coping with this over-ness in a variety of ways. Some hacky-sack their problems away, some drink so much caffeine that they can’t hear their canvas notifications over their heart doing the drum solo from Whiplash. Others still insist that it’s not so over. In fact, they claim “we’re so back.” According to freshman Ana Noyance, “People just aren’t committed enough. These projects and essays everyone complains about are easy! I just don’t see what the big deal is.” Needless to say, Ana is in the social sciences and can’t relate to serious majors like STEM and film studies.
Professors have noticed the over-ness of it all too. Professor Hip O’Cryte, who teaches once a week and hasn’t graded a paper since 1998, says students are just lazy. “Students are just lazy. Back when I was an undergrad, I balanced four classes, three sports, two jobs, and a secret second family. And my schedule as a professor is even busier!” It’s true that Professor O’Cryte is a busy man; between teaching a single intro class and writing bitter responses to The Spire’s opinion section, he can barely find time to ignore his students’ emails. Even the campus critters are feeling the burnout! The Holy Skunk has been MIA since first semester, the raccoons are too lazy to dig through the dumpsters and have resorted to stealing my Croads orders, and the geese don’t even bother to take over the Hoval anymore. At least they don’t have to worry about GPAs. Lucky ducks… or I guess geese. Well, don’t let finals week be your final week! Go Cross go!
Featured image courtesy of Getty Images PeopleImages
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