Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29
Who’s the Nut here?
Spring has officially sprung, and the moods of the student body seem to be rising with the warmer temperatures. The outdoor furniture, which has been deliberately left undusted, has been dug out of the sketchy O’Kane basement and now furnishes all of the patios and plazas around campus. The need to be outside has spread like wildfire. This is largely due to the extremely stuffy, humid, and miserable conditions inside all of the buildings, but nevertheless, the outdoors have become THE place to be.
Despite the general sense of happiness and rejuvenation in the air, there is one group on campus who feels rather sour about the pleasant weather: the squirrels. Yes, these fluffy little creatures have expressed great disapproval at the amount of time students are spending outside. I had the privilege of interviewing the president of the squirrels for the benefit of our blissfully sunburned readers.
I: Thank you for meeting with me, President Fluffernutter.
President: *tsp click click* Let’s just make this quick.
I: Uh okay, right…so I understand that you would like to make a statement on behalf of the squirrels here on campus.
President: *tsp tsp click click click tsp* Yes. I sure would. We squirrels have been suffering ever since those stinking students came back from spring break.
I: Suffering? Wow, I had no idea. It seems to me like the students are pretty considerate.
President: *tsp tsp click tsp click click click tsp tsp* The hell they are!! Those big know-it-alls with their Rainbow flops, fancy totes, and backwards hats take up so much space everywhere they go.
I: They are paying to go here.
President: *tsp tsp tsp click click tsp tsp click click click click* I don’t give a nut!! It’s our campus too dammit! Yesterday, I just wanted to sit on a chair on the Hoval, but no. They. Were. All. Full.
I: I’m so sorry to hear that. Isn’t there still plenty of room in the trees?
President: *tsp tsp click click* NO!! Those nut-brained kids started tying hammocks to the trees. *tsp click tsp tsp* God forbid a rodent wants to climb a tree once in a while!!
I: I had no idea this was having such a negative impact on you.
President: *click click click* No one ever thinks about how their selfishness impacts wildlife. It makes me so angry I–I–I could just explode!!
So there you have it folks. The interview came to a close after President Fluffernutter was forcibly removed from the premises due to his impending infliction of violence. Squirrel uprising or not, enjoy these last few weeks of sunshine on campus. Cheerio!
Featured image courtesy of Natural History Museum
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