Finn Ryan ’29
Sailor Man
Donald Trump’s Operation Epic Fury launched in late February has in two weeks set off a global energy crisis, spiking the cost of oil to over $100 a barrel thus far. This increase — the full ramifications of which are still yet to be seen — is largely due to Iran’s striking and mining of the Strait of Hormuz, a vital artery of the global economy located between the Persian Gulf and the Gulf of Oman.
The effects are already being seen at home: gas prices in every state have gone up, some as much as a dollar. Trump’s popularity continues to drop as prices climb, a trend that will have disastrous consequences for the Republicans in the midterms if nothing changes soon. Trump himself, however, seems to be unworried by the situation American consumers now find themselves in. In a press release last Thursday, Trump took the podium with a grin.
“People talk a lot about the oil. They say “Oil! The oil! It’s what makes our cars run’ I know that better than anybody. But I’m not worried, I’m not. I know someone, and he’s gonna give us so much oil. Popeye! Popeye, the sailor man. He’s always talking about his oil. He loves his oil. He’s a nice guy, Popeye. He’ll give us some. Not Bluto though! No, Bluto wouldn’t give us any…”
Trump continued on about Popeye and about how he once saw him swallow a bunch of screws then shoot them out his mouth onto the side of a battleship, perfectly fastening a metal plate, and how he wishes every sailor in the navy could do the same. An AP reporter who snuck in then asked Trump if he had any comment about the thirteen American servicemen killed so far in the conflict, to which Trump replied, “Well, people die in war. We know this… they should have… eaten their spinach though! Yes, a big can of spinach… squeeze it into the air and catch it in their mouths. Then they would’ve been so strong… could’ve spun their fists around in a big wheel and knocked that missile right back… yes…”
A new directive from SoD Pete Hegseth will order every US servicemember to keep a can of spinach and corncob pipe on them at all times.
Featured image courtesy of Texas State Historical Association
Copy Edited by Lily Wasmund ‘28
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