Tag: michael vail
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Scooby-Doo: Fair Trade or Exploitment?
Michael Vail ‘24 Staff Writer One summer morning, for no apparent reason in particular, the Scooby-Doo theme song was stuck in my head. Being a jaded college student, trained to analyze seemingly innocent works of art, I was struck by the reality that the song is not innocent by any…
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Graduation Day
Michael Vail ‘24 Screenwriter ACT I OF I SCENE 1 OF 1 About-to-graduate seniors make their way to the stage to be awarded a diploma. DCU Center double booked, so the stage is the Kimball Quad, where the most—peculiar?—events occur. A large, dull tent is established…
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Netflix Announces Innovative Policy Changes
Michael Vail ‘24 Switching Back to Hulu, At This Point The battle between Netflix and their users has always been a fierce one. Netflix is not profiting as much as they would like to due to widespread account sharing, and their users don’t want to pay for the service they’re…
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Optimizing Your Reaction Time for Enrollment
Michael Vail ‘24 Human Autoclicker It’s that special time of the year! Enrollment. Some of us anticipate it, oozing with excitement at the various courses we could be taking next semester. Others dread it, knowing that no amount of time and preparation could help them achieve what they so desperately…
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BREAKING: Congressmen Expose TikTok’s Development Failures
Michael Vail ‘24 This is Still Satire, Right? Right? Last week, the United States Congress summoned TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew to testify in an effort to remove the application from the hands of Americans. Their reasoning for the ban was allegedly fear of spyware, but it became quite clear…
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Gaming & Esports Club Touches Grass: An Interview With Sebastian Johns ’23
Michael Vail ’24 Hasn’t Seen the Sun Since 2022 I had the pleasure of speaking with Sebastian Johns ’23, co-chair of the Holy Cross Gaming & Esports Club, about the upcoming intramural softball tournament. Johns managed to pull together an entire team consisting of members from the club. How did…
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A Deep Dive Into Upcoming Events on myHC
Michael Vail ‘24 Reducing Your myHC Usage by 50 Percent myHC is one of ITS’s most significant projects to date. It functions as a centralized platform for all things related to Holy Cross: campus-wide events, student communications, important scheduling updates, and so much more. Students… tolerate it. That is, they…
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Holy Cross Theatre Premieres Musical Company
Michael Vail ‘24 Renowned Critic I don’t like ThinkPads. The Lenovo ThinkPad is a laptop model that—upon first glance—has a feature you simply can’t miss. Appearing to be some sort of red button, this aesthetic abomination is actually a joystick with multidirectional navigation functions. It’s supposed to be a convenient…
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Report: “Can Robots Feel Pain?”
Michael Vail ‘24 Empath Last Monday, I was given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to witness a lecture entitled “Can Robots Feel Pain? Theorizing AI from Ibn Rushd’s ‘Science of the Soul.’” It was presented by Sylvester A. Johnson, who drove an old car all the way from Virginia Tech to Holy…
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Surviving the Worcester Winter
Michael Vail ’24 Judgmentally Staring at the Guy in Shorts Last weekend, Worcester was blindsided by a severe cold front that shook the city to its core. I have transcribed some testimonials from campus residents with my frostbitten hands, so that they may be considered by future generations in the…
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My Resume (Royalty-Free)
Michael Vail ‘24 (Not Sponsored by Starbucks) Just before the start of the Spring 2023 semester, Holy Cross Dining Services announced their partnership with Starbucks, the most successful and influential coffee retailer in the world. When asked to release an official statement on the decision, the President of Dining Services…
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Unfocused Group #1: Self-Driving Cars and Microwaves
Michael Vail ’24 Might Start a Podcast Welcome to the first edition of Unfocused Group, a novel medium of discussion between the most unlikely collaborators. A typical focus group consists of people from diverse demographics and is used to gauge interest in a product or yield results in a psychological…
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BREAKING: Joe Biden Stays in Power Following 2022 Election
Michael Vail ‘24 Fine, I’ll Talk About Politics After a vicious battle between the Republicans and the Democrats on Election Day, incumbent Joe Biden managed to keep his spot in the presidential office. “I was really on my toes for a moment there,” Joe admitted. “But the team pulled through,…
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Family Weekend Account From a Holy Cross Father
Michael Vail ’24 Staff Writer Meet Jim Parent. Loyal crusader since ’63. Bleeding purple each day he lives. He feels refreshed to be back on campus this wonderful Family Weekend. It’s still Friday, so his daughter has yet to return from her seven-hour morning biology lab. With all these new…
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The Holy Cross Mission
Michael Vail ‘24 Entomologist I found a mosquito on a windowsill in Kimball today, at coordinates 42.2401347, -71.8083961. Feeling particularly philosophical, I referred to our mission statement in search of guidance. What are our obligations to one another? What is our special responsibility to the world’s poor and powerless?…
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President Rougeau Beats Colgate in Intense Football Match
Michael Vail ‘24 Taking Over as Chief Sports Editor I’m sure most of you sports fans are already well aware, but the Holy Cross football team has been on a roll recently. Four wins and zero losses! That’s incredible. I didn’t get a chance to go to any of the…
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Recent Alum Refuses to Leave
Definitely not by Brian Saville A survey of the Class of 2020 found that 94% of its members were able to find a job, internship, or other meaningful gig not long after they graduated. The data speaks for themselves– against all odds, Holy Cross kids tend to land on their…
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The Dunkin’ Runner
Michael Vail ‘24 Urban-Inspired Journalist Another day, another dollar. Or another 8 am shift, another $14.25 per hour, I suppose. Haha. Our beloved protagonist walks into a Boston Dunkin’ Donuts (not sponsored), in earshot of the kitchen where a hypothetical shriek could be heard, if one were to occur. This…
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What is Going On with Orientation?
Michael Vail ‘24 Eggplant Staff Getting Old The most valuable part of the college experience is the boot camp you face as a freshman. When I was a freshman at the height of COVID, we did not have the typical campus welcome most other students receive. Before our virtual semester,…
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The Best Places to Eat in Worcester
Alissandra Conlon ‘24 The Best Places to Eat in Worcester Worcester is locally renowned for its restaurant scene; every culture, heritage and style can be found within the city. Notable restaurants include VIA, Volturno, and the classic Worcester Public Market. The one that never seems to make it to the…
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Holy Cross Sued for Sledding Tragedy
Michael Vail ‘24 Eggplant Editor, Recipient of the 2022 “Most ‘Qualified’ ‘Lawyer’” Award One steep hill. Two 2×3 cardboard posters. Three broken ankles. Okay, that was an exaggeration. Humans only have two ankles. And my client only broke one of them. Fractured, really. Sprained, if you will. The details are…
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How to Have Fun in Kimball
Michael Vail ‘24 Protector of Your Sanity in These Trying Times It’s almost finals week. A tough time for everyone, indeed. Enough of the introduction, though. Let’s get to why we’re really here: to explore the endless possibilities Kimball offers that you haven’t been able to comprehend yet. That’s why…
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Returning Voice of the People
Michael Vail ‘24 Eggplant Editor “Hello all, I just wanted to make a little PSA about bubble tea in Worcester. Until it is available on campus, which will hopefully be someday soon, be sure to order as a group if you’re going to use Grubhub! A $6 drink plus $6…
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A Night to Remember
Michael Vail ‘24 Talented Teller of Tall Tales Oct. 23, 2021, 9:30 p.m. The height of the inauguration celebration on the Kimball Quad. Students enjoy the hustle and bustle of the celebration. We open with the gamblin’ man… I twiddled the chip between my fingers, lowering the brim of my…
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Campus Contemplations, Pt. 1
Michael Vail ‘24Self-Appointed Distributor of Thoughts “This fire hydrant is raised slightly above the ground. And this one is halfway-buried. This third one, however, is perfectly level. Why were they designed this way?” – KEVIN “Where did the cinnamon toast crunch go?” – David ‘22 “Over these past couple of…
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This is not just to say…
Michael Vail ‘24 Wants to Get Serious for a Moment, Please …that I was disturbed, horrified by the rancid gust within That I was anxious, hesitant to approach that field of sin (Though it has been worse.) But also to make clear that I was taken back, quite shocked! as…
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A Comprehensive Guide to the Science Complex
Michael Vail ‘24 I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map, I’m the Map! I’ve gotten a lot of questions about College of the Holy Cross’ prestigious Integrated Science Complex. Students across campus love the complex; many love it for its architecture, others enjoy the convenience…
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The Sodium Diet
Michael Vail ‘24 Reporter Prodigy, Looking to Serve a Cause Greater Than Himself Hot Dog, 440.3 grams of sodium. 2,446% of daily value. Buffalo Chicken, 802.3 grams of sodium. 4,457% daily value. Pork Ribs, 3,251.1 grams of sodium. 18,062% daily value. All of the above statistics were taken from the…
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Job Posting – All Students Eligible!
Michael Vail ‘24 Trustworthy Employer Position Title: Professional college essay writer Start Date: ASAP Hours: Depends on your typing speed. Pay rate: I can give you like $80 in dining dollars. Background check?: I don’t care how many felonies you’ve committed, as long as you can write. Number of positions…