Michael Vail ‘24
Trustworthy Employer
Position Title: Professional college essay writer
Start Date: ASAP
Hours: Depends on your typing speed.
Pay rate: I can give you like $80 in dining dollars.
Background check?: I don’t care how many felonies you’ve committed, as long as you can write.
Number of positions open: Just one, so apply fast. I don’t like having too many loose ends.
Required qualifications:
- Fairly literate
- Familiar with ancient Greek mythology, 1800’s England, and whatever an integral is
- Unafraid of potential expulsion
Expectations: C’s get degrees!
Job description: I’ll be blunt with you; I have three essays due tomorrow and I completely forgot that I won tickets to a Lady Gaga concert. I’m a reasonable guy with reasonable priorities. And I don’t miss out on Gaga.
Contact me at strugglingstudent@pleasehelpme.com or fax me at- what is fax?
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