Job Posting – All Students Eligible!

Michael Vail ‘24

Trustworthy Employer

Position Title: Professional college essay writer

Start Date: ASAP

Hours: Depends on your typing speed.

Pay rate: I can give you like $80 in dining dollars.

Background check?: I don’t care how many felonies you’ve committed, as long as you can write.

Number of positions open: Just one, so apply fast. I don’t like having too many loose ends.

Required qualifications:

  • Fairly literate
  • Familiar with ancient Greek mythology, 1800’s England, and whatever an integral is
  • Unafraid of potential expulsion

Expectations: C’s get degrees!

Job description: I’ll be blunt with you; I have three essays due tomorrow and I completely forgot that I won tickets to a Lady Gaga concert. I’m a reasonable guy with reasonable priorities. And I don’t miss out on Gaga.

Contact me at or fax me at- what is fax?

Categories: Eggplant

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