Tag: Eggplant
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Trump Unworried by Rising Oil Prices, “We’ll Go Ask Popeye for Some”
Finn Ryan ’29 Sailor Man Donald Trump’s Operation Epic Fury launched in late February has in two weeks set off a global energy crisis, spiking the cost of oil to over $100 a barrel thus far. This increase — the full ramifications of which are still yet to be seen…
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Sunny Day Causes Seasonal Hope: Too Good To Be True
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Mr. Golden Sun gone on…sabbatical? Happy First Day of Spring! A little over a week ago, students were given a foretaste of warm weather, and for a brief, yet blissful moment, the Hill was all sunshine, clear blue skies, and 70 degrees. Many students decided to inform…
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Holy Cross Changes Name to UConn for March Madness
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Watched Air Bud Once March Madness may have just begun, but there have already been some big surprises. That crazy upset, the star player injury, and other things I definitely know about because I’m not writing this before it actually begins. Anyways, the biggest surprise of all…
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HC Population Nearly Doubles from RSO Re Recognition Form Submission
Tim Elder ‘28 Real Student After the submission of many re-recognition forms, campus officials are reporting almost 3,000 new Holy Cross students have been discovered. It is indeed that time of the year where club Presidents, Secretaries and Treasurers have been scrambling across campus looking for those vital 15 signatures.…
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Ayatollah and Neil Sedaka Confirmed to be Same Person
Finn Ryan ‘29 Calendar Girl This past week, the music world was rocked by the loss of 86-year-old singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka, best known for hits such as “Laughter In The Rain” and “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” Sedaka’s passing, while tragic to fans of his illustrious nearly 70-year-long career,…
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Redheads Prepare for Annual Leprechaun Transformation
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Redhead Representative To most people, St Patrick’s Day is for celebrating Irish culture and its many contributions to the beverage world. But for us redheads, the day is anything but lucky. As our friends prepare their B.O.R.G.s (Bottles Of Regular Gatorade), we gingers hide ourselves away in…
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Student Catfished By GroupMe Bot, Loses Everything
Tim Elder ‘28 Wary of which bots to associate with… All Holy Cross students alike know what it’s like to deal with the pain of deleting and avoiding the many GroupMe bots from their various club group chats. Early on, these bots were easy to spot from their robotic tone…
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Study Finds 99.9% Of Students Suddenly Part Irish
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Irish Poet “Your feet will bring you where your heart is” – Irish Proverb In honor of the upcoming holiday on March 17, Holy Cross has put out a survey in order to see the true percentage of Irish heritage on campus. However, as St. Patrick’s Day…
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Worcester Dunkin’ Irish Donuts Really Just Moldy
Caitlin Wiffler ’27 Donut Expert With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, many businesses are trying their hardest to cater to the Irish population and the select few who like mint-flavored desserts. Dunkin’, Boston Irish-Americans’ place of worship, decided to one-up McDonald’s Shamrock Shake with their own holiday treat:…
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A Student’s Worst Nightmare: The Cold Call
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Just Making Up Names for Stuff Sometimes you know it’s going to happen, and sometimes it comes from out of the blue. The Cold Call – a phrase that inspires an uncomfortable and inescapable feeling of dread. It’s a student’s worst nightmare. If you can somehow manage…
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Single Holy Cross Students Spend Valentine’s Day Standing Under Melting Icicles.
Tim Elder ’28 Two Weeks Late It was just a number of weeks ago that Valentine’s Day happenings swept the campus and caused turmoil for many students. A large number of the student population was exiled from their dorms as their roommates had “company” for Valentine’s Day. The number of…
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The Spire Announces Drop of Water to be Added to Ocean
Amsden Klinghard ‘27 Water Correspondent “If you tap on the glass, the sharks might look at you” – MJ Lenderman We at the Spire are proud to announce our newest feature: we will be adding our very own drop of water to the Atlantic ocean. We hope our bead of…
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American Public Amazed by Catholic Olympian
Finn Ryan ‘29 Professional Fun Hater The American public, who continue to look on athletes slightly out of the norm with the same bewilderment as the Germans did Jesse Owens almost a century ago, have chosen a new object of spectacle this Winter Olympics: 31-year-old Ryan Kelly. Kelly seems like…
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Baby, It’s Too Cold Outside
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Cue ice song from Frozen The winter months always seem to be a mix between wonderland and worst nightmare. There are magical times where the snow covers the ground with perfect beauty, the tips of the trees all have a frosty glisten, and the sky is such…
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Best Date Spots at Holy Cross
Charlotte MacQuattie ’28 Cupid’s unpaid intern Ah, Valentine’s Day. A time for chocolates, rom-coms, and praying to God you marry rich because this whole “political science” thing might not work out for you. As the day of love approaches and brunch reservations fill up faster than econ electives, Crusaders seeking…
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Now Hiring: Kimball Cheerleaders
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Says On Line Instead of In Line Job Description: Located in Holy Cross’ Kimball Dining Hall, this job is open to any Holy Cross student. Kimball Cheerleaders are located at every station. Equipped with a smile, you will be cheering on students who take too long to…
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A Preemptive Obituary for The Spire’s Very Own Ashwin Prabaharan
Tim Elder ‘28 Speculating… It is my great dishonor to report that within the next 168 hours The Spire’s very own Ashwin Prabaharan will unfortunately perish. Ashwin is probably survived by other members of his family but that information is not readily available to the mass population. More importantly, Ashwin…
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White House Releases AI Video Depicting Stephen Miller as a Human
Finn Ryan ‘29 Assistant to the Press Secretary Early last Friday, President Trump posted a video to the White House’s Truth Social account that depicted Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller as a human being. The video initially seemed innocuous, displaying several Trump admin officials working in their offices to Kid…
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Tripping on Dinand Steps Cited as Top Contributor to Aura Loss
Ian Sykes ‘28 Following an ungodly snowstorm on Mount Saint James, students at College of the Holy Cross have been facing an ongoing struggle with aura loss due to tripping on the icy steps of Dinand Library. Despite there being an amount of salt on the steps that could kill…
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Punxsutawney Phil Talks Groundhog Day, Return to Acting
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 WPBH-TV9 Reporter Punxsutawney Phil at Gobbler’s Knob in 1985. (Bettmann Archive/Getty Images) (Image courtesy of CNN) On Feb. 2, the iconic forecaster Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. The Eggplant team traveled seven and a half hours to the little land of Punxsutawney, Penn. to…
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Nation’s Hand Dryers Announce Plan to Push Water Up Sleeves
Finn Ryan ‘29 Stuck in the Bathroom (Image courtesy of The State Journal-Register) Our worst fears are confirmed: they’re doing it on purpose. Early last week, the Hand Dryer Initiative To Live Equally Righteous sent out a memo declaring a new scheme to wet the sleeves of America by pushing…
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Holy Cross Faces Drake Maye Induced Disease
Tim Elder ’28 Knows a Thing or Two About Diseases Do you know a friend on the Holy Cross campus who believes that Drake Maybe is the second coming of Christ himself? Has this same person worn the same “I Heart Drake Maye” shirt or Drake Maye Jersey every day,…
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Classics Department Offers Study Abroad in Ancient Rome
Charlottius MacQuatticus ’28 Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur As every other grade spent their weekend diligently studying in Dinand and attending Bible study at Weagle Chapel, sophomores across campus sat refreshing their emails day and night, anxiously awaiting their study abroad decisions. Spanish students crossed their fingers in hopes…
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Bigfoot Sighting: Not What Local Expected
Kathryn Pellicotte ’29 Lost! He’s big, he’s hairy, he’s the hide and seek icon. Whether you’ve realized it or not, you’ve probably had an encounter with the biggest boy in the forest. You do know who I’m talking about, right? Sass Crotch, Big Feet, or something like that. Could it…
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Abominable Snowman Swaps Cave For Brooks Hall
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Easy Street Realtor If you are familiar with the film, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, then it is likely that you have heard of the mystical creature who used to live in the treacherous, snot-freezing cold mountains surrounding the North Pole. Yep, you heard that right. He…
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Amazon Announces Cyborg Sean Connery as New James Bond
Finn Ryan ‘29 Jeff Bezos’s Assistant, Maybe Following Amazon’s recent acquisition of MGM for $8.5 billion, there has been much speculation over who will take up the role of British MI6 agent James Bond following the end of Daniel Craig’s run in 2021. The media titan has slated a 2028…
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Junior Suspicious His Friends Weren’t Kidding About Studying Abroad
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Chief Eggplant Editor Amusing his mother with autumnal tales of studying abroad in Dublin, Ireland, Thomas McCarthy ‘27 couldn’t wait to delight his friends with stories of his adventures. The snowy campus of Holy Cross awaited his glorious return. He moved into the second floor of Alumni…
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BREAKING: An Exclusive Interview with a Veteran of the War on Protein
Patrick Ryan ’27 Aspiring wartime choreographer (The following is an unedited transcript of Eggplant reporter Patrick Ryan’s interview with Johnson Parts, a veteran of the War on Protein. Reader discretion is strongly advised) Patrick Ryan: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me, Mr. Parts, it’s…
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Student Achieves Fastest Known STAR Login
Amsden Klinghard ‘29 Definitely a Data Analyst Five password entries, three refreshes, two steps of verification, and one shutdown later, sophomore neuroscience major Peter Capslok has officially broken the record for fastest ever STAR login, at 10 minutes and 37 seconds, a time previously believed to be physiologically impossible. This…
