Eggplant

BREAKING: Joe Biden Stays in Power Following 2022 Election

Michael Vail ‘24

Fine, I’ll Talk About Politics

After a vicious battle between the Republicans and the Democrats on Election Day, incumbent Joe Biden managed to keep his spot in the presidential office. “I was really on my toes for a moment there,” Joe admitted. “But the team pulled through, so I gotta… uhm… I gotta few more years to… uhm… yeah.”

Now that Joe’s sticking around, we have some insights into how the next four years are going to go under his watchful eye. Here are some of the most pressing issues that you should expect to hear about in the news.

Twitter: Have you been keeping up with Elon Musk’s Twitter endeavors? Joe has. And he is as amused as we are. To date, approximately 500 users have purchased a blue checkmark to impersonate the president. On the daily, they imitate his speech, intentionally posting misinformation to fool your grandma. “This gun control is, are, uhm… they’re out of control.” “Should we let more immigrants in? Uhh… have I met their parents? It’s our duty to uhm… argh… the American promise…” When asked if he was comfortable with these internet impersonators, Joe reportedly answered, “I like these guys. They’re like my, my computer friends. They always say what’s on my mind.”

Coffee: Sleepy Joe needs his caffeine. That’s why he has so much empathy for us college students who have to get up early and stay awake through our classes. We predict a government mandated “free refill” policy on coffee throughout the nation’s college campuses. If you’re on the resident meal plan, rejoice! Your dining dollars are about to become infinitely more valuable. If you’re on an apartment plan, then congratulations, you have more of something you didn’t need more of, and you still can’t get into Kimball.

Changing the American Flag: This debate has been going on since President Benjamin Franklin proposed to place a clip art of a turkey in the center of the flag, but unfortunately did not receive congressional approval. Joe plans to mediate this controversial issue by setting up a classic debate between members of the College of the Holy Cross’ Moot Court, who happen to be evenly split on implementing the turkey or considering a more modern artistic perspective. Either way, students want to do away with the stars and stripes. The victorious side will consult with the Student Art Society to design the nation’s new banner.

Police: Joe has announced that he has many concerns about police operations in the United States. Prominent voices have indicated that in many ways, law enforcement is not doing the best they can do for the American people. “So why isn’t anything changing?” offered Joe. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m gonna go into the lion’s den myself and see what’s what. I’ve always wanted to do one of those, uhh, ride-alongs. I’ll do some ride-alongs with the cops and see what’s really going on here. See for myself if anything hinky is happening. What do they do, uhm, they do uhh… those karaoke singalongs for the ride-alongs? Kamala showed me one of those films on the internet. That oughta be a blast.”

Military: Should we bring the troops home, keep them overseas, or send even more? The largest obstacle in answering this tough question is COVID-19. Due to the inflated prices of airplane tickets, it may be difficult for the government to afford transportation to and from war zones. Joe has suggested some interest in bringing the troops home, but we have yet to see if he will be able to obtain funding. Rumor has it that he is thinking about organizing a nationwide bake sale, a novel idea he learned from his grandchildren.

Net neutrality: Joe does not have a clue what net neutrality is. Neither do his associates. Neither does anyone else in an influential political position. We might have to come back on this one.

Photo courtesy of CNBC

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