Eggplant

Recent Alum Refuses to Leave

Definitely not by Brian Saville

A survey of the Class of 2020 found that 94% of its members were able to find a job, internship, or other meaningful gig not long after they graduated. The data speaks for themselves– against all odds, Holy Cross kids tend to land on their feet. But what about the ones who refuse to grow up? Recently, a member of the class of ‘22, whose name we dare not speak for fear of summoning them, has been spotted lumbering around campus even months after what was supposed to be their final send off. 

What drives a person to go to such lengths? Could it be that a life without a Cool Beans milkshake every night just isn’t a life worth living? Perhaps they’re still waiting for the Bridget Mendler concert they were so hopeful would happen last fall?

And beyond all that… how do they maintain their vagrant lifestyle without the comforts of dining dollars and luxurious on-campus housing? “Ah yes, I remember [NAME REDACTED],” recounted Discord user xxxXXXxxx__r3al_p3rs0n__xxxXXXxxx. “I heard he feeds himself by watching the Hangry at HC GroupMe like a hawk. Then when he’s had his fill he meanders back to his secret lair in the woods.” 

Efforts have been made by the college’s maintenance staff to ensnare this pest. Recently CAB hosted “Reptiles at Night”, which, unbeknownst to its many attendees, was actually a sting operation to detain the vagabond alumnus, who is a known animal-lover. The culprit did make an appearance and was spotted by many, but unfortunately the PubSafe officer tasked with making the capture was suddenly overcome by his deathly fear of snakes and backed out of the operation. The officer told a different tale to The Spire, saying that he was simply “afraid Gracie would run for the hills at the sight of a boa constrictor and didn’t feel like going through the trouble of replacing her again.” 

If you encounter the alumnus in question, please do not engage. Especially do not feed him, as this could make him dependent on humans for food and unable to fend for himself in the wild. Efforts are still being made to humanely trap and relocate the creature– groundskeeping is currently deploying human-sized Havahart traps with flyers inside advertising a “Bird Party 2: Electric Boogaloo.”  

Photo courtesy of TheRoyalStore

Categories: Eggplant

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