Michael Vail ‘24
Protector of Your Sanity in These Trying Times
It’s almost finals week. A tough time for everyone, indeed. Enough of the introduction, though. Let’s get to why we’re really here: to explore the endless possibilities Kimball offers that you haven’t been able to comprehend yet. That’s why I’m here. To show you how to have fun in Kimball while you’re overeating the stress away.
1. Continue overeating! It keeps the demons at bay.
2. Learn to perfect the card swipe, and just when you think you’ve got it figured out, become acutely defeated when you mess it up. But it wasn’t your fault. It’s just the card reader.
3. Use the hot chocolate machine, which offers fairly consistent cocoa. Except for when the machine is out of order, which is about half of the time. It’s kind of like the McDonald’s ice cream machine. I’m convinced it’s not actually broken. They just don’t feel like refilling it.
4. If you’re not in the mood for a hot beverage, have a fountain drink. Be warned: the Brisk iced tea tastes nothing like Brisk. It’s clearly a different iced tea. They thought I wouldn’t notice, but I did. And sometimes when you want a drink, water comes out instead. But you’d feel awkward pouring out these few ounces of water, so you reluctantly commit and add something else to the mix. Now you have a watered-down drink that you really didn’t want in the first place.
5. Try your hand at the panini maker. But wait! There’s already someone using it. As you wait for them to finish their sandwich, stare intently into their eyes. Make your impatience clear. They can’t make the sandwich cook faster; neither can you. But that’s not relevant. The goal is to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible.
6. Hop on the really long classics line. Or tell a friend to get there ten minutes early and then cut the entire line, which is completely acceptable.
7. Now that you’ve made it to the front of the line, grab some chicken tenders, if they’re being offered. Take a couple, maybe one more. What if you take another? At this point it should feel like you’ve stolen an entire tray. Keep calm and look down. You’ve only taken three. The icy stares are only in your head.
8. Decide where you’re going to sit! This dark, isolated corner? This quaint spot with crumbs from various day-old foods scattered across it? Or perhaps next to the window, where the daylight shines upon your feast, and you can hear the voices from inside the walls. Choices, choices!
9. Similarly, if you came here with friends, it is of utmost importance that you do not, under any circumstance, decide where to sit beforehand. Instead, make it an adventure! You should finish getting your food at completely different times and spend about two to three minutes wandering around looking for each other.
10. Stare at the outlets on the wall. What could these be used for? A toaster, no doubt. I sure hope you brought your toaster with you.
11. Take a bite of a Magic Bar. That first bite will be your last. Next thing you know, you’re crying and shaking on the floor, flopping around like a breakdancing fish having a seizure. Nobody knows what they put in the Magic Bars, but it can’t be legal.
12. Put your trash in the wrong bin. They’re clearly labeled in large, bold letters, but view it as more of a suggestion than a guideline. Don’t let anyone control you. It’s your life.
13. Pocket some utensils. Tuition is expensive and it’s been a difficult few days. You deserve this. Nobody is going to miss a fork or two. Or that mug. Ooh, that’s a nice bowl.
14. Wonder why there are dozens of speakers built into the ceiling with a surprising lack of Christmas music.
15. Hijack the speakers in the ceiling and blare Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” until you get caught.
16. Plead to President Rougeau. It wasn’t your fault, you simply believed there wasn’t enough holiday cheer and it was your God-given duty to spread some joy. He should be thanking you. He should be giving you an award for your services to the public.
17. Drop out of college of your own accord. There are better things out there for you.