My Resume (Royalty-Free)

Michael Vail ‘24

(Not Sponsored by Starbucks)

Just before the start of the Spring 2023 semester, Holy Cross Dining Services announced their partnership with Starbucks, the most successful and influential coffee retailer in the world. When asked to release an official statement on the decision, the President of Dining Services reported, “We just didn’t know what to do anymore. Do you know how many times our meetings ended in, ‘Well, let’s just add another milkshake flavor at Cool Beans’? We’re all out of ideas. So we had to outsource.”

Well, the students aren’t complaining.

Inspired by Starbucks’ enthusiasm to help out a small-time business like Holy Cross, I decided to offer something of my own possession to the masses. I know how hard it is to get an internship nowadays. It’s quite a stressful experience. Your career advisors are probably telling you, “It’s a numbers game! Just keep applying and you’ll get an offer someday. Don’t give up!”

I’m here to tell you that this is a lie. The real reason you can’t get a job? You know that resume of yours? Yeah, it’s bad. Like, outrageously bad. But that’s alright because today, I am offering you my resume. Free of charge! Wow! You’re welcome.

Feel free to edit as needed, but I would recommend leaving it mostly the same, as my resume is perfect and will land you any job. Here it is:

Student Name
One College Street, Worcester, MA

Bachelor of Arts, Biology, Holy Cross College (2.8 GPA)
Bachelor of Arts, Chemistry, Holy Cross College (2.4 GPA)
High School Degree, High School Curriculum, Worcester High School (3.9 GPA)

Snacks Club: Filled chip bags with chips. More complicated than it sounds. Required attention to detail so not to fill the bags too much, thereby letting chips get crushed due to lack of air, or too little, resulting in customer dissatisfaction. Promoted to Chip Secretary for additional work in petitioning for higher quality plastics.
Environment Club: Supported community outreach plan to raise awareness of the effects of capitalist consumption on the environment. Promoted to Environmental Secretary for additional work in petitioning for less use of plastics.

Photographer: Took a photo of a family once upon their request.
Student: The amount of work I do for my majors should be considered a full time job. I should get paid for this. Why am I not getting paid for this?
Gardener: Kept a healthy plant in my room for a semester until it died over break (not my fault, I asked my RA to water it, but I was met with excuses like, “RAs don’t stay on campus during breaks, stop asking me”).

Typewriting, animal whispering, Microsoft Word, blueprint drawing

Categories: Eggplant

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