Michael Vail ’24

Judgmentally Staring at the Guy in Shorts

Last weekend, Worcester was blindsided by a severe cold front that shook the city to its core. I have transcribed some testimonials from campus residents with my frostbitten hands, so that they may be considered by future generations in the event of another natural disaster.

“Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.” – George Washington

President Rougeau: “This was the first time at Holy Cross I had ever encountered such brutal circumstances from an uncontrollable force, and I gotta say, I was completely stumped on how to handle the situation. I mean, when a student writes deplorable comments on the wall of a Fenwick bathroom, I can condemn it, and the problem is pretty much solved. Everyone loves when important figures speak out against shameful, divisive acts. And these troublemakers don’t realize how many hidden cameras are set up around the grounds. I mean, you really thought we wouldn’t catch you? You really missed that glaring lens in the toilet paper roll? And so, they get suspended, or worse, and all is well in the world. But a storm? An earthquake? They’ll rip those cameras right out of the showerheads, and how can you condemn Mother Nature? I’ll tell you what you can do. You write a fancy email, you ship it out via carrier pigeon to all the inboxes, all like, ‘If you step outside and your face starts to hurt, something is probably wrong. If your pants are flying away from you faster than your grades, something is definitely wrong. Maybe you should go back inside.’ And guess what happens next? The little gremlins find a loophole by not wearing any pants. Some stuck-up freshman in his boxers will say, ‘Oh, this is just like summer in Alaska!’ as his disintegrating bones leave a trail behind him.”

Frank Lee, Class of ’25: “Hey, I’m a student from the Philanthropy Club. I like helping people. I’m a real helping helper, a sweet guy. I don’t like to see my fellow Holy Crossers suffering when there’s something I can do about it. That’s how I got the idea to make my own massive hot tub in the Loyola Basement, so that everyone could feel like they’ve returned to the womb, floating around in a state of bliss until the whole ordeal is over. I started my mission by turning on all of the sinks and letting them run for a few hours, but quickly realized there was too much space to fill in a small amount of time. Luckily, my heroism was saved by divine intervention when one of the pipes suddenly burst, and the basement flooded much quicker than I could have single-handedly mustered. I thanked God for his interference and got to work turning on the showers. Unfortunately, I discovered that the pipe water was rather cold and would need to be tampered with, lest my hot tub become an ice bath. It was when I began to place the electric heaters in the water that the power suddenly went out (obviously due to the severe weather conditions), and I had to, regrettably, give up on my vision. Maybe I’ll have better luck saving everyone next winter.”

Avery Won, Class of ’23: “I missed most of the weekend after I got spontaneously electrocuted in the Loyola Basement.”