President Rougeau Beats Colgate in Intense Football Match

Michael Vail ‘24

Taking Over as Chief Sports Editor

I’m sure most of you sports fans are already well aware, but the Holy Cross football team has been on a roll recently. Four wins and zero losses! That’s incredible.

I didn’t get a chance to go to any of the games due to a medical incident involving an unripe pineapple, but my carrier pigeon reported an exhilarating match last week. It was the game against Colgate University, an upscale college located in the heart of Los Angeles, California. What made this game special, in my opinion, was Holy Cross’ ability to pull through with a win despite losing their players one by one. Here’s the recap:

Within five minutes of the first inning, the Holy Cross goalie was removed from the game after the officials received word that he had failed a recent math exam, thereby illegitimizing his rights to play due to a suffering GPA. The timing couldn’t have been worse; because of a miscommunication between two of the officials, one of them made the call for the goalie to be taken out of the game before the other could pause the stopwatch. These asynchronous actions left a small gap for Colgate to score, giving them a 6-0 lead. When interviewed about the situation, he reported, “I may be a disgrace at math, but even I can figure out that something here doesn’t add up.”

The only silver lining in this series of events was that Colgate’s kicker accidentally kicked the extra point in the wrong direction, sailing it an outstanding 85 yards into the opposite goal post. Bringing the score to 6-1, he later reported, “This is what I get for forgetting my contacts. The depth perception gets all messed up, and suddenly you don’t know which way is left and which way is right. Or maybe, deep down, I felt guilty ruining Holy Cross’ perfect record and wanted to give them more of a chance. Who’s to say?”

Desperate to close the five-point gap, 10 minutes left in the first quarter, 2nd down, Holy Cross’ quarterback attempted a Hail Mary pass. It soared through the sky, blocked out the sun (thereby ending global warming for a few seconds, a largely unreported phenomenon that is sure to confuse scientists for the next few decades, especially if this article doesn’t take off), ricocheted off my carrier pigeon (which somehow survived, hence this account’s existence), and landed through the wrong goal post. The officials ruled it a field goal, awarding Colgate three points. The quarterback, however, had to be benched as he had thrown out his arm.

The second quarter was a rather boring one. Neither team scored.

Let me take your attention away from the game for a moment. Who is that man walking alongside the stadium? According to my carrier pigeon, who flew down for a brief interview, that is one President Rougeau, a bystander on his way to a rheumatologist appointment (this is a doctor who specializes in conditions involving muscles, bones, and joints). He confirmed that his first name is, indeed, “President.”

During the end of the third quarter, the score still at 9-1, President Rougeau was spotted wandering into the stadium and onto the field. Spectators’ eyes darted between Rougeau and the Holy Cross backup quarterback, who was preparing to throw the ball. “Kid’s lost,” both coaches comically muttered in unison.

The quarterback launched the ball into the end zone, hoping to find a receiver, but his throw went too wide and out of bounds, colliding perfectly with Rougeau while he was looking away. The ball bounced off Rougeau into the arms of the receiver. A goal for Holy Cross, ruled complete without interference, for Rougeau was not technically in bounds when he was struck. As players swarmed Rougeau to help him up, he exclaimed, “It fixed my back!”

Rougeau was immediately awarded a position as backup-backup-quarterback for his outstanding play, which he graciously accepted because his rheumatologist appointment was no longer necessary, and he had nowhere else to be that afternoon. In the remaining quarter, he brought Holy Cross back through a series of incredible sprints into the end zone, not opting to pass the ball even a single time. They went from an 8-9 deficit to a 15-9 lead. 22-9. 28-10 (this time, it was Holy Cross’ turn to kick the extra point into the wrong goal post, a questionable action that made spectators wonder if every collegiate kicker hatched a plot to unleash chaos on the field). The game ended with a final score of 35-10.

President Rougeau announced his resignation from the team shortly after the victory, explaining that he was actually an important figure on the Hill, and had some executive duties to attend to.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia
An American football field, which in standard American measurement, is approximately the size of one American football field.

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