Category: Eggplant
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Family Easter Egg Hunts Save Students from Financial Collapse
Tim Elder ‘28 Owes You Money It has come to that time of the semester where students’ bank accounts are in desperate need for grandma’s birthday money or any kind of financial miracle. Thankfully for students the Easter bunnies presence couldn’t have come at a better time. The Easter bunny,…
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Report: Easter is Wrong Holiday to Bring Home Boyfriend
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Observes Claddagh Rings SUBURBS – Holy Cross student Poppy-Toola ‘28 made the grave mistake of bringing her boyfriend of three months to her family’s house for Easter. Her mom told her it was fine. It wasn’t. Jonathan DaDukecon ‘28–Poppy-Toola’s boyfriend—is majoring in Chemistry, but he could not…
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Kimball Chicken Now Made With Real Chicken
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Chicken Correspondent Following Kimball’s new status as one of US News’s top healthy dining halls, Holy Cross Dining has been hard at work to further improve student experience. As Holy Cross’s finest and most food-related news source, The Eggplant had the pleasure of interviewing Kimball’s head chef,…
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Nuclear War? Maybe by Friday!
Finn Ryan ‘29 Resident Soothsayer It’s that time of the year again. That magical time when you first start to see the trees blooming and hear the birds chirping. That beautiful time when you can look out the window and for the first time since August not completely regret going…
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Trump Unworried by Rising Oil Prices, “We’ll Go Ask Popeye for Some”
Finn Ryan ’29 Sailor Man Donald Trump’s Operation Epic Fury launched in late February has in two weeks set off a global energy crisis, spiking the cost of oil to over $100 a barrel thus far. This increase — the full ramifications of which are still yet to be seen…
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Sunny Day Causes Seasonal Hope: Too Good To Be True
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Mr. Golden Sun gone on…sabbatical? Happy First Day of Spring! A little over a week ago, students were given a foretaste of warm weather, and for a brief, yet blissful moment, the Hill was all sunshine, clear blue skies, and 70 degrees. Many students decided to inform…
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Holy Cross Changes Name to UConn for March Madness
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Watched Air Bud Once March Madness may have just begun, but there have already been some big surprises. That crazy upset, the star player injury, and other things I definitely know about because I’m not writing this before it actually begins. Anyways, the biggest surprise of all…
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HC Population Nearly Doubles from RSO Re Recognition Form Submission
Tim Elder ‘28 Real Student After the submission of many re-recognition forms, campus officials are reporting almost 3,000 new Holy Cross students have been discovered. It is indeed that time of the year where club Presidents, Secretaries and Treasurers have been scrambling across campus looking for those vital 15 signatures.…
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Ayatollah and Neil Sedaka Confirmed to be Same Person
Finn Ryan ‘29 Calendar Girl This past week, the music world was rocked by the loss of 86-year-old singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka, best known for hits such as “Laughter In The Rain” and “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” Sedaka’s passing, while tragic to fans of his illustrious nearly 70-year-long career,…
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Redheads Prepare for Annual Leprechaun Transformation
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Redhead Representative To most people, St Patrick’s Day is for celebrating Irish culture and its many contributions to the beverage world. But for us redheads, the day is anything but lucky. As our friends prepare their B.O.R.G.s (Bottles Of Regular Gatorade), we gingers hide ourselves away in…
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Student Catfished By GroupMe Bot, Loses Everything
Tim Elder ‘28 Wary of which bots to associate with… All Holy Cross students alike know what it’s like to deal with the pain of deleting and avoiding the many GroupMe bots from their various club group chats. Early on, these bots were easy to spot from their robotic tone…
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Study Finds 99.9% Of Students Suddenly Part Irish
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Irish Poet “Your feet will bring you where your heart is” – Irish Proverb In honor of the upcoming holiday on March 17, Holy Cross has put out a survey in order to see the true percentage of Irish heritage on campus. However, as St. Patrick’s Day…
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Worcester Dunkin’ Irish Donuts Really Just Moldy
Caitlin Wiffler ’27 Donut Expert With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, many businesses are trying their hardest to cater to the Irish population and the select few who like mint-flavored desserts. Dunkin’, Boston Irish-Americans’ place of worship, decided to one-up McDonald’s Shamrock Shake with their own holiday treat:…
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American Public Amazed by Catholic Olympian
Finn Ryan ‘29 Professional Fun Hater The American public, who continue to look on athletes slightly out of the norm with the same bewilderment as the Germans did Jesse Owens almost a century ago, have chosen a new object of spectacle this Winter Olympics: 31-year-old Ryan Kelly. Kelly seems like…
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A Student’s Worst Nightmare: The Cold Call
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Just Making Up Names for Stuff Sometimes you know it’s going to happen, and sometimes it comes from out of the blue. The Cold Call – a phrase that inspires an uncomfortable and inescapable feeling of dread. It’s a student’s worst nightmare. If you can somehow manage…
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Single Holy Cross Students Spend Valentine’s Day Standing Under Melting Icicles.
Tim Elder ’28 Two Weeks Late It was just a number of weeks ago that Valentine’s Day happenings swept the campus and caused turmoil for many students. A large number of the student population was exiled from their dorms as their roommates had “company” for Valentine’s Day. The number of…
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The Spire Announces Drop of Water to be Added to Ocean
Amsden Klinghard ‘27 Water Correspondent “If you tap on the glass, the sharks might look at you” – MJ Lenderman We at the Spire are proud to announce our newest feature: we will be adding our very own drop of water to the Atlantic ocean. We hope our bead of…
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Friends Annoyed by Guy Who Won’t Shut Up About Oscars
Finn Ryan ‘29 Academy Member “Do you think Timmy’s gonna get his first?” “I already know they’re gonna snub ‘Sinners’ HARD this year” “Whatever but if Jacob Elordi wins I’m gonna flip out” These are the types of statements that’ve been pouring nonstop from the mouth of local man Benny…
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It “Maye” Have been a Fever Dream
Tim Elder ‘28 Big Football Fan No one, other than maybe your local Jets or Bills fan, wanted it to end like this although it always lived in the back of their mind. The students who once held masses for Drake Maye have now begun holding various meetings where they…
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Professor Waiting For Volunteer
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 A Pleasure To Have In Class Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of students quite like the dreaded read aloud. We all know the feeling; that big block of text appears on the slideshow and a chill is sent down your spine as the professor asks for……
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Your Forgotten Coffee Gains Consciousness
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Never Forgets a Coffee HOGAN – On Saturday, Feb. 14, a beep was heard ‘round Cool Beans. An iced caramel latte was ordered for Hannah Smith. It sat, waiting, yearning, for the girl to retrieve it. Its ice melted into a pool, resting on top of the…
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Wannabe Hero Helps Others Equip Oxygen Mask Before Fastening His Own
Patrick Ryan ’27 Window seat enthusiast SOMEWHERE OVER THE ATLANTIC—Moments after a United Airlines flight bound for London experienced double engine failure approximately two hours after its departure from Logan International Airport, Boston local and cardiologist Frank Costello sprang into action, affixing the oxygen masks that dropped from the cabin’s…
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Baby, It’s Too Cold Outside
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Cue ice song from Frozen The winter months always seem to be a mix between wonderland and worst nightmare. There are magical times where the snow covers the ground with perfect beauty, the tips of the trees all have a frosty glisten, and the sky is such…
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Best Date Spots at Holy Cross
Charlotte MacQuattie ’28 Cupid’s unpaid intern Ah, Valentine’s Day. A time for chocolates, rom-coms, and praying to God you marry rich because this whole “political science” thing might not work out for you. As the day of love approaches and brunch reservations fill up faster than econ electives, Crusaders seeking…
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Now Hiring: Kimball Cheerleaders
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Says On Line Instead of In Line Job Description: Located in Holy Cross’ Kimball Dining Hall, this job is open to any Holy Cross student. Kimball Cheerleaders are located at every station. Equipped with a smile, you will be cheering on students who take too long to…
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A Preemptive Obituary for The Spire’s Very Own Ashwin Prabaharan
Tim Elder ‘28 Speculating… It is my great dishonor to report that within the next 168 hours The Spire’s very own Ashwin Prabaharan will unfortunately perish. Ashwin is probably survived by other members of his family but that information is not readily available to the mass population. More importantly, Ashwin…
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White House Releases AI Video Depicting Stephen Miller as a Human
Finn Ryan ‘29 Assistant to the Press Secretary Early last Friday, President Trump posted a video to the White House’s Truth Social account that depicted Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller as a human being. The video initially seemed innocuous, displaying several Trump admin officials working in their offices to Kid…
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Tripping on Dinand Steps Cited as Top Contributor to Aura Loss
Ian Sykes ‘28 Following an ungodly snowstorm on Mount Saint James, students at College of the Holy Cross have been facing an ongoing struggle with aura loss due to tripping on the icy steps of Dinand Library. Despite there being an amount of salt on the steps that could kill…
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Punxsutawney Phil Talks Groundhog Day, Return to Acting
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 WPBH-TV9 Reporter Punxsutawney Phil at Gobbler’s Knob in 1985. (Bettmann Archive/Getty Images) (Image courtesy of CNN) On Feb. 2, the iconic forecaster Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. The Eggplant team traveled seven and a half hours to the little land of Punxsutawney, Penn. to…
