Category: Eggplant
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Student Achieves Fastest Known STAR Login
Amsden Klinghard ‘29 Definitely a Data Analyst Five password entries, three refreshes, two steps of verification, and one shutdown later, sophomore neuroscience major Peter Capslok has officially broken the record for fastest ever STAR login, at 10 minutes and 37 seconds, a time previously believed to be physiologically impossible. This…
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Abominable Snowman Swaps Cave For Brooks Hall
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Easy Street Realtor If you are familiar with the film, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, then it is likely that you have heard of the mystical creature who used to live in the treacherous, snot-freezing cold mountains surrounding the North Pole. Yep, you heard that right. He…
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Amazon Announces Cyborg Sean Connery as New James Bond
Finn Ryan ‘29 Jeff Bezos’s Assistant, Maybe Following Amazon’s recent acquisition of MGM for $8.5 billion, there has been much speculation over who will take up the role of British MI6 agent James Bond following the end of Daniel Craig’s run in 2021. The media titan has slated a 2028…
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Junior Suspicious His Friends Weren’t Kidding About Studying Abroad
Caitlin Wiffler ‘27 Chief Eggplant Editor Amusing his mother with autumnal tales of studying abroad in Dublin, Ireland, Thomas McCarthy ‘27 couldn’t wait to delight his friends with stories of his adventures. The snowy campus of Holy Cross awaited his glorious return. He moved into the second floor of Alumni…
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BREAKING: An Exclusive Interview with a Veteran of the War on Protein
Patrick Ryan ’27 Aspiring wartime choreographer (The following is an unedited transcript of Eggplant reporter Patrick Ryan’s interview with Johnson Parts, a veteran of the War on Protein. Reader discretion is strongly advised) Patrick Ryan: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me, Mr. Parts, it’s…
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More Than Love Needed Now, Beatles Say
Finn Ryan ‘29 The love you take ≠ the love you make Troubling news out of the pop music and moralist worlds this week as The Beatles announce all you need is, in fact, no longer love. The joint statement comes from former bandmates Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, and the…
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Hockey Recruits Polar Bear
Charlotte MacQuattie ’28 Waiting on my check from Polar Seltzer The Crusaders have had a promising start to the hockey season: with a number of home wins and a seemingly endless supply of local children to do the 6-7 thing at the rink cameras, they’re on the road to NCAA…
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We Are Burned Out
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Like that one orange bulb on a string of Christmas lights. Christmas break is just around the corner, and as we head into finals week it stretches ahead of us like a shining beacon of hope. We reached our hands eagerly towards it like depressed, sleep-deprived Gatsbys…
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A Response to the Haters from Team Eggplant
Finn Ryan ‘29: This article is supposed to be “satire” at the expense of Italian Americans to make a stupid statement on Trump. 🙂 It isn’t funny. 🙁 Imagine if the author wrote the same racist article but aimed at African Americans? Too far. But the author chooses to take…
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ICE Comes to Holy Cross, Students Protest Water Waste
Tim Elder ’28 Do I have this Right? A number of weeks ago the animosity levels on the Holy Cross campus were at an all time high and rightfully so. The source of this hostility was due to the school announcing that ICE would be making a grand appearance on campus. …
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Kimball Thanksgiving Dinner Includes Weird Uncle
Charlotte MacQuattie ’28 Not included: going for a “walk” with cool older cousins Students unable to go home for Thanksgiving due to flight cancellations or Mom’s new boyfriend are invited to spend an evening of gratitude and friendship at our beloved Kimball. Holy Cross Dining and Hospitality are working hard…
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Local Man Swears Stain on Crotch Not Piss
Finn Ryan ‘29 …Or So He Says Disaster struck this week on campus following an incident involving a young man and his pants. Esteemed scholar and all around stand up kinda guy Brian F. Chapman was caught in a whirlwind of humiliation on Tuesday after a large and highly noticeable…
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Holy Cross Students Who Pretend To Live in New York City Now Pretend To Know Mamdani’s Policies.
Tim Elder ’28 Staff Writer “Oh yea, I’m from New York City,” are words that all Holy Cross students have heard from a fellow classmate or friend before. These students then get hit with the basic soundbites that make it seem like their fellow classmate is actually from New York City.…
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Academic Advisor Tells First Year Student He Will be Able to Graduate by 2037
Tim Elder ’28 Staff Writer It’s that time of the year again where enrollment is beginning and students are prowling through STAR to create the schedule of their dreams. No 8 a.m.s and only one class on Friday, it is truly a euphoric experience for all students alike. Beneath this…
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Two Christmas Superpowers Join Forces
Piper Guiney ‘28 Chief Eggplant Editor Hey Blog! How are you guys doing? I’m coming to you today with my latest discovery, and boy, is it a doozy. So, as you all know, the holiday season is just around the corner and I could not be more thrilled. I’ve been…
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Global Warming Leads to Almost Early Carey Defrost
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 The ice caps are not the only ones melting. The most wonderful time of the year officially began on Nov. 1 as Ms. Mariah Carey, the Queen of Christmas, defrosted with her usual holiday magic. However, the much anticipated tradition was just inches away from being jeopardized…
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BlackRock, State Street, & Vanguard Buy All Campus Housing
Ian Sykes ’28 Staff Writer Amidst the housing crisis at Holy Cross, the companies BlackRock, State Street, and Vanguard, some of America’s largest corporate asset managers and capital consolidation conglomerates, have led the charge to fix the campus housing crisis by courageously buying every dormitory on campus. “I mean, this…
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Cuomo, Ciattarelli Announce Italian-American Coup
Finn Ryan ‘29 Fuhgeddaboudit This past Election Day was a big one for Democrats in the Northeast. Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani secured the mayorship in New York City with 50.4 percent of the vote in a three way race amid historic voter turnout, and Rep Mikie Sherrill pulled out a win…
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‘Twas The Night Before Enrollment
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 On the waiting list for 5 different classes ‘Twas the night before enrollment, when all through the dorm Not a creature was stirring, except for my broken heater rattling like crazy; Laptops were charging on desks with care, In hopes that permission codes soon would be there;…
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The Dead Internet Theory
Amsden Klinghard ’29 Staff Writer … — … / … — … / … — … / … — … / … — … / … — … / … — … Hello I am sheepishemu3; Hello I am bombasticanaconda96; You have beautiful hair bombasticanaconda96; Thank you sheepishemu3, I have…
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Jokes That Your Dad (And No One Else) Will Appreciate
Tucker Scott ’26 Featured image courtesy of WNCY-FM Green Bay, WI
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Overall Male Student Happiness Increases as Drake Maye Continues to Shine
Tim Elder ’28 Staff Writer *Written by a Steelers fan.* Have you noticed that your male classmates seem giddier in class? Have you also noticed that your male classmates seem more academically motivated to participate during class discussion? Well your eyes don’t deceive you. After a recent, and definitely real…
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Classes Canceled Nov. 3 Due to Mass Possession by the Sunday Scaries
Madison Payne Guest Writer In an act of divine intervention, Holy Cross sent out a campus-wide email late Sunday night informing students that all Monday classes would be cancelled due to what administrators are calling a “mass possession caused by the Sunday Scaries.” According to the announcement, hundreds of students…
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The Phantom of the Library
Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29 Staff Writer Angel of…. Literature? Deep within the bowels of the Dinand stacks, where rows of shelves stand lined with dusty volumes and forgotten tomes, a literary genius resides. You may believe that the thousands of books on the thousands of shelves were written by thousands of…
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The Hoval Replaced with Big Ol’ Trampoline
Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28 Dead man undefeated champion Making my usual pilgrimage to Cool Beans last Thursday for my $7 latte, I went the way I always do. Out of Lehy, into Healy, up the elevator, onto the roof, scale down the side of Healy, roll in the grass, over the…
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“War is Actually Adventure” Confirms Ghost of 16 Year-Old Solider
Finn Ryan ‘29 Pro Patria Mori Strange scenes arose last Thursday at the Battle of the Somme memorial in Pas-de-Calais, France, when a group of visitors were met with an unexpected sight: a message from the other side. Walking through the historic battlefield, the tourists were shocked to see a…
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Citizen Kane
Caitlin Wiffler ’27 Staff Writer An article published by The Spire in 2094: Media Mogul Charles Kane Dies at 91 “Ba…ba…butt,” he said. Those were the last words of Mr. Charles Kane ‘26, the most famous man in America. He was laid to rest this week, leaving his legacy behind.…
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New Art Installation Goes Up in Brooks
Finn Ryan ‘29 Ceci n’est pas un pee door Art is, inherently, meant to challenge the status quo. It should rile up the deepest, most internal feelings within oneself, reaching into the very bowels of the soul. Art can be explosive, shocking its viewer with a sudden release of emotion…
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New Art Installation Goes Up in Brooks
Finn Ryan ‘29 Ceci n’est pas un pee door Art is, inherently, meant to challenge the status quo. It should rile up the deepest, most internal feelings within oneself, reaching into the very bowels of the soul. Art can be explosive, shocking its viewer with a sudden release of emotion…
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Rain, Rain, Make Midterms Go Away
Piper Guiney ‘28 Chief Eggplant Editor Welcome back from fall break Crusaders! As many students return to the hill, they can’t help but slip all the way down because, if you’re Helen Keller and can’t see or hear and haven’t noticed, it’s been raining. I, like many other students, thought…