Eggplant

Holy Cross Cracks Down on Unruly Online Sports Houses

Matt Anderson ‘21 

Still hiding on campus

WORCESTER, MA– The College of the Holy Cross, now fully transitioned to online distance learning, has issued a stern disciplinary warning to the members of Caro, Boyden, and College streets, who have since formed an online presence over the remote conferencing service Zoom. According to a source from within the administration, these e-sports houses have become “havens of partying debauchery… they have grown extremely toxic over the internet.”

For example, online party-goers who attempted to enter Hockey’s online zoom party were unceremoniously kicked for “being pipsqueaks who wouldn’t even butt-chug a measly 24 of White Claw over their webcam.” One senior member of the team who wished to remain anonymous told The Spire, “We simply do not tolerate weaklings who go crying to mommy simply because they never learned to go hard.”

Photo courtesy of your mom.
The Holy Cross Administration has announced measures to crack down on online off-campus party culture.

Across the board, these online sports houses have already been cited numerous times for conducting illicit co-ed Lot Darties over Zoom as well as circulating anti-administration Tik Toks. As of April 1, the College has officially censured all sports houses for illegal hazing activities, in which potential party-goers were coerced into participating in embarrassing acts via OnlyFans.

Father Boroughs, during this week’s “Closing the Distance” video, vowed that he would sanction an e-crusade against virtual sports houses. In the meantime, he and the rest of the Jesuit community, having nothing to do, have begun to “Zoom Bomb” rowdy sports house parties. Their tactic is to drop into an unsuspecting party and launch into theological discussions so boring that the athletes are forced to shut it down. Sports houses have responded to these inquisitions by adding meeting passwords to control guest admittance, with the most popular password being “who do you know here?”

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