Mackenzie Hughes ‘25

Hating Hamster

All he does is complains and criticizes and complains and criticizes. “Oh, you’re gonna wear that today?” “Don’t you think you’ve had enough chips?” Of course, what makes it worse is that you can’t understand what the hamster is saying, because he is a hamster. But you know what he means by the glaring, insulting stare he’s giving you. You look down and he’s just making eye contact while spinning on his stupid wheel while you’re trying to sleep. That little wad of fluff has more hate in his heart than you ever thought possible of such a petite lad. 

Downer Dog 

This type of pup is not supportive. No, no. He does not sleep at the foot of your bed or rest beside you on the couch. Rather, he mopes, going from the food bowl, to the yard, simply just existing. It’s the type of breed with those ridiculous long ears too, and it doesn’t even bother him when he trips over them.  Instead of him making you feel better, now it is your job to lift his spirits. However, not even Perry the Platypus stuffed animals can bring him joy. Imagine the same kind of gloomy, depressed, anhedonic attitude as Eeyore, only with four paws. With a name like Biscuits you’d figure he’d be a silly doggo, but now you’re stuck cleaning up the wads of fur from this sad little downer dog. Tomo could never. 

Bitter Bird

I can’t imagine a bird being much comfort in the first place, but especially not this belittling critic with wings. He’s one of those ostentatious parrots that can talk, too, so forget that gentle morning chirping you were hoping for. You’ve had to invest in good headphones so to keep him from repeating anything he hears, lest you have another overheard breakup incident. He actually ruffles your feathers. Even with a four-chamber heart, there is nothing of love that beats in his chest. 

Caustic Cat

Similar to that of the downer dog, you thought you were investing in an adorable, soft companion. Too bad what you really brought home with you was a devil from the depths of your nightmares. It only took one day for her to claw at the deepest insecurities of your soul. You don’t care if she tears at your curtains as long she stops tearing at your heartstrings. Unbelievably, you are more fragile than this 10 pound reincarnated diablo who smells her own pee.