Zach Verdun ‘27
Bear Translator Trainee
Senior Tyler Columbia recently expressed absolute confidence on Friday that he could successfully defeat a 650-pound bear in hand-to-hand combat, provided he was given a strict 10-minute heads up. Citing his physique, which The Spire notes is mediocre at best, he has seemingly convinced himself of this utterly ridiculous request.
“I promise you, I will defeat that bear. I go to the gym regularly, 3 times a week even. Does the bear go to the gym ever? No,” said Columbia as he ate protein powder right out of the container. “I am not saying that I would just walk into the woods and find a random bear. But if I get a solid 10-minute text beforehand that a bear was about to attack me? It. Has. No. Chance.”
We asked Tyler why 10 minutes would make that much of a difference in fighting a wild animal 3 times his weight. “Well as any regular gym-goer knows, all good things begin with a stretch. I need a good stretching routine before we really go head-to-head. A bear can’t stretch, so that gives me at least one advantage. I also would need to get my playlist ready. I mean, if the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” remix of ‘You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)’ starts playing? The bear has absolutely no chance” responded Columbia.
Columbia further went on to explain the strategy he would use to take down the bear: “Easy. I would just get behind the mammal and engage in a rear-naked choke. I am sure the bear will try to resist, but I am pretty sure that I can hold it down.” We later asked the bear their thoughts on this strategy, to which it responded “Grrr” and “Raaar.” Unfortunately we at The Spire have no active bear translator, but we can almost guarantee that what it said would not have been appropriate for a school newspaper.
With gaining traction of this absolutely stupid idea, the school has announced that it is scheduling a match-up between the two forces, adequately titled “Hydrogen Bomb vs. Coughing Baby: Man takes on Bear.” Some have expressed concerns about whether this is illegal and immoral, but the school has ensured that no matter what, “it can not be worse than what happened with the Flo Rida concert. Notably, the school has decided to withhold announcing the time for the event, ensuring that Tyler Columbia gets no heads-up until exactly 10-minutes before.
Copy edited by Emma Bono ’30
Featured image courtesy of Bleacher Report
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