Caitlin Wiffler ‘27
Dickens Fan
WORCESTER, MA—Holy Cross’s English Department recently interviewed some of the majors to ask questions like “Why are you an English major?” “Who are you?” and “Why should someone study the humanities, especially in this moment of rapid technological change?” To the last question, the college intervened and answered for the naive, callow, ignorant English majors with its shiny new Thesaurus. It appears that the mental capacity of students to obtain any knowledge is contingent on fidget toys.
“No more of this nonsense!” said the college. “We shall no more—excuse me, won’t—bother students anymore with the mundane task of…all this hooplah…without a little fun.” The revolution has begun; students have become so dependent on doom-scrolling and artificial intelligence that the college solemnly announced that it can no longer give them 60 pages of Bleak House by Charles Dickens between Tuesday and Thursday. “Did anyone ever do that?” one student protested. “I mean, before all this attention economy. Did anyone in 1984 actually sit down and read a novel titled Bleak House?” The college pretended like they didn’t hear the kid.
The student body has made their demands: they need NeeDoh. The squishy fidget toy is the only way to get students to come to school. Reading won’t cut it. Math is Googleable. Computer Science, well, it’s already on the computer…just have the computer do it. Econ? Pshh. Don’t make me laugh. The answer to roping students back into Stein? A globby stress ball that they can ooh and ahh over.
One student gave their take on why their generation seems to be lacking in the whole so-called academic field, “We have our lovely Suarez! That guy’s the best! I mean…that person…oh wait. No. That…how do I refer to Suarez?”
The stacks in Dinand have already begun the process of donating old books to make room for new, colorful, exciting fidget toys with ambiguous innards. So, you’re telling me that it’s a little difficult to understand Milton’s prose in Areopagitica? Don’t worry about it! Don’t spend one more second trying to remember the word Areopagitica. Don’t you dare try to spell it. There’s no use for that here. Take a NeeDoh.
Featured image of The Hutchinson Collegian
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