Tim Elder ‘28
No Funny Stuff
It was almost 55 years ago that D.B. Cooper hijacked a plane, stole $200,000, then jumped out of the plane never to be seen again. After slipping that note to a stewardess that said “no funny stuff or I’ll do the job,” he changed the course of unsolved mysteries for the rest of time. Many years later, bills from D.B. Cooper’s ransom cash were recovered on a beach and linked to Cooper through Serial Numbers.
Today at the College of the Holy Cross it seems that D.B. Cooper has been found alive. The specifics of the person are unknown but it is determined that Cooper is in the body of college students wearing dark wrap-around that do not proportionally fit their face. Somehow this 70s fashion trend has come back and it might cost a fleeing fugitive his safety.
The FBI has reportedly infiltrated many environments on campus from classes, to functions to even office hours. That breathing you hear in Fenwick is not a ghost, it’s the federal government trying to see if you are the one that hijacked a plane many moons ago. Also those full grown men pretending to be seniors last weekend, those were veteran CIA agents and no your friend should not go up and talk to them.
Due to the sheer number of students that wear sunglasses of great size, no matter man or woman, the federal government has pumped even more funding into this small liberal arts college in Worcester. FBI director Kash Patel stated that “We will stop at nothing to bring Cooper to justice, even if it means removing funding from schools in inner-cities.” Does it seem like the FBI is grasping at straws, maybe so, but what else could be more important than tracking down a really old guy who did some weird plane stuff 55 years ago.
Being that D.B Cooper violated the Hobbs Act, there is no statute of limitations, so he can be charged with the crime at any time. As of now, students should constantly be looking over their shoulder, for a man who knows a thing or two about plane hijacking could be right next to you in crowds or Cool Beans. This man is not particularly dangerous but just watch out.
Copy edited by Emma Bono ’30
Featured image courtesy of Tim Elder ’28
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