Finn Ryan ‘29
Resident Soothsayer
By the time you’re reading this article, the midterm elections will be over and done with, and you’ll either be drowning your sorrows at the local Covid-concious lesbian bar or on your way to the nearest Cheesecake Factory to celebrate. Until then, however, here are some predictions on how the biggest Senate races from around the country will shake out. Let’s hope I’m right, because I already put my tuition into Kalshi.
Alaska:
Elections are put on hold after Mary Peltola’s Dan Sullivan clones gain sentience and burn down the Dan Sullivan Clone Factory.
RESULT: TBD after the Dan Sullivan Clone Wars.
South Carolina:
Darline Graham wins by razor thin margins, making Democratic hopes for a blue South Carolina wait another two years. Turns out that’s actually Lindsey’s sister and not his chosen name post-transition. Did you know he died??
RESULT: Darline Graham victory.
Iowa:
Support for Josh Turek initially crumbles after he’s exposed for running a scam selling instruments to the townsfolk, but surges back quickly when he leads the biggest parade River City’s ever seen.
RESULT: Turek with a capital T that rhymes with V that stands for victory.
Texas:
James Talarico wins by a narrow two points, but gets dragged to hell a day later on account of his homosexuality. Jasmine Crockett will be sworn in in January.
RESULT: American morality victory.
Maine:
This race was neck and neck until the very end. A late batch of ballots from th- BY GAWD! BY GAWD! ITS GRAHAM PLATNER WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!
RESULT: New World Heavyweight Champion is crowned.
Michigan:
Abdul El-Sayed wins handily as Kalashnikov-wielding Al-Qaeda members stand outside every polling station. They were, of course, telling people to vote for Mike Rogers.
RESULT: Haley Stevens endorses Boko Haram
Kansas:
Turns out these guys are still on tour. But you have to think, once they get past “Dust in the Wind” and “Carry On Wayward Son,” it gets a little rough right? They definitely play those at the end so the crowd stays the whole time.
RESULT: A good night in the Atlantic City Borgata.
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