Zach Verdun ‘27
Currently Calculating His Monthly Spendings
Worcester, MA — Students around campus have recently expressed a great interest in adopting a new mascot. Following a massive student push, undergraduates across the Hill made it clear that they want a singular, powerful symbol to unify over. President Rougeau answered that call on Friday by unveiling the new college mascot: a giant $85,000 tuition bill.
The mascot made its debut at Fitton Field this weekend, emerging from the locker room tunnel shadow like a terrifying entity from a horror movie. Students were in complete disbelief, with their expressions simultaneously fearful, yet enchanted. One student claimed it was if they saw the physical embodiment of anxiety sprawling toward them.
“The days of eagles and mythical creatures are past us because they fail to truly bring students together,” announced President Rougeau as camera lights filled the room. “If you ask any student what looms largest over their time at Holy Cross, it is not school spirit; it is the crushing reality of what it costs to attend the greatest college on top of a hill in Worcester. This new mascot provides a shared trauma that every student can relate to: a way for every student to feel part of a community that they pay for.”
According to the rest of the announcement, the massive bill will not behave like any normal mascot. Instead of tossing around T-shirts and dancing, it will spend all four quarters chasing around any student that has not paid their monthly bill. Moreover, during timeouts, the mascot will take to the microphone to explain the best ways students can budget while still enjoying their time in the luxurious city of Worcester, Massachusetts.
Outside of the games, new student merch will also be available in the student book store. Students can pick up replicas of loan interest calculators, custom notebooks that itemize their bill, and even sweatshirts that say “PAST DUE” on them! Of course with any item in the book store, each of these items will be at least three times the amount that you can find on Amazon.
While initial student response was negative, undergraduates’ support seems to be turning the corner. “Honestly, it’s the most unifying thing I have seen on campus maybe ever,” said Holy Cross junior Jeff Monroe. “When it got announced Friday, most people were strongly against it, but I have seen that students have truly been bonding over just how crazy it is. It is like we are completely united in our collective dread.”
Given the drastic change in response to the mascot, there have also been talks about introducing a secondary mascot to support the club teams: the FAFSA logo!
Leave a Reply