Caitlin Wiffler ‘27
Going to Disneyworld
JACKSONVILLE, FL—It was revealed on Monday, Nov. 2 that College of the Holy Cross, the college that should be located in Worcester, MA, is actually set in Jacksonville, FL. This news has disturbed many students of the college, as they had believed that they have been studying “just outside of Boston” this whole time. It turns out that College of the Holy Cross is such a contained environment that no one realized where they were. In, like, 1950 someone asked and heard Worcester. They ran with it.
Dating back to 1843, the College has always been a social experiment to see just how many obedient polo-wearing chumps could gather into one room. However, the scientists performing the study at the time vibed with it so much that they said “screw it” and never ended the bit. The news that the college has always been in the Sunshine State was at first shocking to students and faculty, but they quickly got over it when they realized they could use it as a marketing tool to finally beat Harvard at something. Holy Cross has now been the longest running social experiment of all time, beating the Harvard Study of Adult Development. While the Harvard study found that close, warm, loving relationships are the key to a long and healthy life, the Holy Cross study found that Holy Cross students are super gullible.
“But how is there snow in the winter?” students asked. “How come there’s no beach nearby?” they pressed. Well, well, well. Have you ever been to Jacksonville, Florida? “No,” they responded. So how could you know that it doesn’t snow there? “I dunno.” Exactly.
Students are now scrambling to change their identities from Noah Kahan superfans who own at least one Red Sox flag and say “ruhm” instead of “room” to DJs with stellar tans. “The only upside to all this is that now I can wear my flip flops with no shame,” said Chad McAllister ‘27, as he played wall ball against the side of Alumni Hall. “Oops,” he said as he chucked a lacrosse ball into a six-man dorm window. “My b, my b.”
Now that students have had enough time to deal with this sudden change, they’ve all seem to embrace being Floridians. “I mean, it’s not like we really left campus before,” McAllister added.
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