Patrick Ryan ’27
Certified Public A-Hole
WORCESTER, MA— Confirming a suspicion already held by a majority of students, President Vincent Rougeau announced on Friday that the entire accounting department at College of the Holy Cross is indeed fake. “It’s true–the major exists entirely to drive students towards programs like English and Political Science, disciplines that actually have professors and courses here,” said Rougeau, adding that he was impressed the college administration had managed to keep up the ruse for several decades since the major’s “introduction” in 1987. “We’ve been extremely successful in this endeavor,” reported Rougeau, “96.4% of students who initially declare an accounting major switch to something in the humanities within six months. We’re still working hard to get that figure up to 100%.” Rougeau then went on to explain how if students attempt to enroll in upper-level accounting courses like ACCT 275 – Corporate Finance or ACCT 382 – Auditing, they will simply receive an error notice of Iggy the Crusader wearing a construction hat saying “Whoops! The course you are trying to take is completely fictional!” on STAR. “These courses only exist in the digital realm to give the impression of a department,” continued Rougeau. “Of course, we do have to offer intro-level courses for those naive freshmen set on being accountants, but we try our best to make those classes as mundane and mind-numbing as humanly possible so that any reasonable person would switch into something more interesting like psychology or philosophy, lest they go insane.” At the end of the press conference, Rougeau assured the audience that the College was doing everything in its power to track down and detain Bill McKay ’98, the only student to ever successfully graduate with an accounting degree.
Copy Edited by Lauren Zerella ‘29 11/3/26
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