Finn Ryan ’29
Just Sent in His 14th Ballot
Midterm election years have always been stuck in the shadow of their much more prolific counterpart: the national election. They don’t receive nearly the same amount of public interest or media coverage, and many Americans don’t even bother to vote. This is undeserved, however, as midterm elections have a rich history that ought to be studied and appreciated. Here are some notable moments from the midterms throughout our nation’s past.
15,000 BC:
Thag defeats Grog in a dead-heat race for the PNGEA-07 seat. Exit polling revealed unexpectedly high Tyrannosaurus turnout may have been the ultimate difference maker.
1790:
President Washington delivers the first-ever endorsement speech about how much he loves the candidate’s ass.
1862:
The Civil War is paused to give everyone the chance to vote. Union and Confederate soldiers walk hand-in-hand to the polls, ready to make a real difference.
1942:
FDR is chastised by Republican opposition for trying to edit “Democratic Party” to “God-Kings of the Universe” on the ballot.
1966:
“Fido” makes history as the first dog heartwarmingly elected to town’s mayoralty. A massive embezzlement scandal leads him to resign less than a year later.
2006:
Republicans suffer major losses as a result of public backlash against President Bush’s decidedly untasteful White House furniture.
2014:
Southerners finally learn how to read and stop voting for non-white sounding names. Democrats reel, losing control of both chambers.
2026:
Massive voter fraud scandals are uncovered. Elections are suspended indefinitely. The fascist takeover of America is complete.
2034:
Voting is reinstated due to there not being enough occasions on which to receive stickers.
15,000 AD:
Glorzip defeats Hyperion Prime in a dead-heat race for the ANDRMDA-24472 seat. Exit polling revealed unexpectedly high Neimoidian turnout may have been the ultimate difference maker.
Copy edited by Caroline Gammon ’30
Featured image courtesy of AARP
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