Zach Verdun ‘27
Currently Admiring his 8-Ball
WORCESTER, MA – Just last week, Holy Cross Professor Greg Orlando was fired after numerous complaints from students. After a lengthy investigation, Professor Orlando shockingly confessed Thursday that his entire Fall curriculum had been completely dictated by a Magic 8-Ball.
“At the start of the semester, I was overwhelmed with having to map out a syllabus of what to cover. One day while staring across to the Magic 8-Ball on my desk, I asked if I should just wing it, and the blue triangle read ‘As I see it, yes.’ Since then, the plastic toy has determined everything from midterm grades to attendance points,” Orlando later told reporters.
According to students in the class, Orlando had been acting strangely since the beginning of the semester, noticeably always shaking something under his desk. “It all makes sense now,” said junior Chloe Potter. “Last month, I went to his office hours to ask if I could get an extension because of a family emergency. But when I got to his office, there was just a sign that read ‘Please ask the 8-Ball; you are on video.’ I thought it was a joke at first, but after the 8-ball said, ‘Don’t count on it,’ I tried to speak to him after class, given the urgency. After I pleaded my case to him for nearly 30 minutes, he just kept turning the bottom of the ball toward me, saying, ‘Ball don’t lie.’”
Not all students were upset about this change, however. “Honestly, I thought it was really great and fair; my grades were so much better,” sophomore Carlos Cauldron told reporters while actively using AI to write a paper for a different class. “I didn’t even have to try. One time I got an F on a paper because I just didn’t do it, and I asked our professor if there was any chance I could get an A. He shook his hands under the desk and responded, ‘It is certain.’ Why can’t all classes be like this?”
Orlando later defended his methodology, arguing that the randomness of the toy offered as much accuracy as any other class. “When a student asks me if a reading will be on the final exam, and I tell them ‘Reply hazy, try again’ or ‘Cannot predict now,’ how is that different from any other teacher? And frankly, on an administrative level, it saved me hours of work. When I get audited by the department chair, I just shake the ball and tell them, ‘Concentrate and ask again.’ They always just get confused and never follow up with me—it’s awesome!”
Professor Orlando now spends his time as a motivational speaker, traveling to universities across the globe encouraging professors to simplify their workloads. His new book, The Answer Is In Your Hands: How I Let a Plastic Ball Do My Job For Me, is currently awaiting approval from his Magic 8-Ball.
Copy edited by Olivia Lanzi ’30
Featured image courtesy of Wikipedia
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