James Condon ‘30
Staph Writer
WORCESTER, Mass. – Middle-aged Holy Cross Alumni everywhere rejoice as U.S News and World Report ranks Holy Cross 22nd of Liberal Arts Colleges in America.
But as many prepare to incessantly tell their kids and coworkers they graduated from a top 25 institution (neither particularly care), one prestigious achievement has been left out of the limelight.
Hidden beneath the “Massachusetts”, “Jesuit”, and “Schools with too many performing groups” categories, one will find that Holy Cross has placed a remarkable third overall in the “Extremely Dangerous Stairs” category.
As with all news of such importance, we reached out to Administration who sent a representative to speak with our Chief People Person Sally McDaniels:
Mcdaniels: So what was your initial reaction when you heard the news broke?
Administrator: I’ll be frank Sally, we were happy but not surprised. For years we have tried to break through the glass ceiling that is the ever evasive “Extremely Dangerous Stairs” category.
McDaniels: And what do you think made 2026 our year?
Administrator: Well you can’t pin it down to one factor, of course, the closure of the University Of Machu Picchu, while unfortunate certainly ‘knocked one off the chart’ if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. Beyond that and our increase in funding academics, it was all down to making sure no one fixed that crack on the stairs from kimball to fenwick.
McDaniels: Wow, I never realized the level of care that goes into these small things.
Administrator: Yes, we get that a lot. It’s a shame students don’t realize that there’s a reason no one maintains the stairs. We even had to hire a Director of Stairways to ensure maintenance wouldn’t de-rust the railings.
McDaniels: And what steps are you taking to try to get that number one spot?
Administrator: Well y’know the University of The Side of a Ravine’s top tier stem program and lack of guard rails is a worthy opponent, but I think we can edge them out if we just choose not to salt the stairs in the winter. Just think of all the black ice!
McDaniels: Wow, it really seems like you’re on top of things. Any other goals for the future?
Administrator: Well, the Moldy Shower Curtain category is a competitive one, but by the end of the semester I think we’ll have it in the bag.
Image Courtesy of Director of Stairways, Office of Slipping Enhancement
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