Zach Verdun ‘27
Currently Playing with Playdough
In shocking news, President Rougeau recently announced that Holy Cross will be expanding its horizons, now allowing anyone to apply with no prerequisites or barriers. No longer will the college be limited by the confounds of academic readiness, instead they are openly accepting anyone. At first, this seemed to be an innovative move, allowing for a college unrestricted by high school diplomas and SAT scores. Yet, what happened next could not be predicted. Preschoolers started applying tenfold, with their parents wanting their kids to “start early.” A recent study found that after President Rougeau’s announcement, more that 15,000 preschoolers submitted their application to the college. Found within the study was one resume that Brian Babyton submitted with his application, attached below:
Brian Babyton
Aspiring Toddler
15 Little-Steps Road
About Me:
Hello, I am a baby. I wake up, cry, eat, play, sleep, repeat.
Education: None
Job Experience: Drawing
Skills:
Eating things I am not supposed to, crawling, building cereal necklaces,
arts and crafts
With this influx of applications, all with clearly great resumes, the application review committee is now being forced to review each application on the merit of how funny they are. That is right folks, your applications have been reduced to giggles. Regardless, with the above information, the ratio of preschoolers to non-preschoolers is 16:1, with the incoming freshman now having nearly 600 preschoolers out of a 850 person class.
This has forced the college into making numerous moves that reinvent the campus. First is the issue of housing. The college has announced the complete removal of Brooks Hall to everyone’s approval. Secondly, the issue of food. With the majority of the class being under the age 5, the dining hall will now strictly follow the diet of crackers, chicken nuggets, and “Danimals.” Gluten-free students will be in shambles. Another issue is school social life. Preschoolers simply would not comprehend many of the clubs that are currently run by the college, and therefore Holy Cross has completely gotten rid of them. Instead, the college has announced nearly 50 new clubs, including the superhero club, block builders club, and dinosaur club, which ironically enough, despite its target demographic, is predominantly made up of non-preschoolers.
Perhaps the one new announcement that everyone seems to enjoy the most is the college’s mandatory naptime. Everyday from 12-2 p.m., classes will not be held, and students will gather on the Hoval for a nap. While this was meant for preschoolers, it seems the ones enjoying this new event the most is the rest of the class. In fact, the preschoolers have begun to protest the event, calling for “more playtime.”
Featured Image Courtesy of E+/Getty
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