Zach Verdun ‘27
Writing from Antartica
We have all heard the saying. Nearly every child has been told from a young age that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. This was NOT the case for Fred Gorp, a 55 year old man who currently lives in Antarctica. Now, as any normal person would have it, you probably have a lot of questions. Are there even apples in Antarctica? How does a doctor even get there? Where did I put my phone? WHERE. IS. WALDO?! With me today, Mr. Gorp is here and excited to answer my questions. Attached below is an interview that was TOTALLY CONDUCTED LEGALLY.
Masked Person: Can you tell us why you are still following this phrase as a 55-year old guy?
Mr. Gorp: If I tell you can I leave?
Masked Person: Lowkey, maybe bro.
Mr Gorp: Ok, well, why wouldn’t I? I wholeheartedly felt that the phrase would indubitably profit my gain of missing a doctoral arrangement.
Masked Person: Those words are too big for me to understand. I am only 12 years old. The youngest person ever.
Mr Gorp: You are telling me I was kidnapped by a 12 year old kid? How could that have even happened?
Masked Kid: Bro, you witterally fell for the oldest twick in the book. I told you “there is something behind you,” you looked, and then I proceeded to kidnap you.
Mr Gorp: Oh, well damn.
Masked Kid: Well anyway. On to the next question. Are there even apples in Antarctica?
Mr Gorp: Well any sapient and prudent individual would arrive at the conclusion that nay, malus’ are not present in thy continent. Yet, in actuality, my matriarch doth import thine malus from America.
Masked Kid: Dawg, I have no idea what you are saying.
Mr Gorp: Smart guy no think that apple in Antarctica. Mom bring from America. Me eat apple.
Masked Kid: Wow, what a well-spoken answer. Now, bro, can you tell us how a doctor can even get there? Like no cap, I would be cooked if I was a doctor there ngl.
Mr Gorp: Doctor go to Antartica every 2 year. He tell me this year I must meet him. I eat apple to no meet him.
Masked Kid: Again, very well-spoken Mr. Gorp. That makes a lot more sense than what you were saying before. Now, one last question for you. WHERE. IS. WALDO????
Mr. Gorp: I can’t talk stupid anymore. This is the eighth time you have asked me this question in the mere 10 minutes I have been here. First of all, you know that is a book right? Waldo is not real. Also,“bro,” “dawg,” I am quite literally blindfolded, how could I possibly know where he is? Can I go now?
Masked Kid: Let me think about it…..NOT. hahahahahahahahahaha
Copy Edited by Eliza Martin ‘29
Featured image courtesy of Dreamstime.com
Leave a Reply