Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28
Not a sports writer
Argentinian soccer star Lionel Messi took to social media last week to announce his long-awaited retirement from the national team. In an Instagram post, Messi wrote, “spanish spanish spanish spanish.” But rather than leaving the sports world entirely, Lionel shared that he would be continuing his athletic and academic career playing football for Holy Cross. The Crusader coaching staff was asked about this announcement following another embarrassing loss to Lehigh. Head coach Dan Curran stated, “Messi? Like the soccer player? Why would he come here?” Players were equally perplexed. Wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. Jr. commented, “What?” In a move soccer fans are calling a “reverse Ted Lasso”, Messi is making the switch from fútbol to American football and graciously lending his talents to Holy Cross. Nobody is really sure why he chose here of all places, but the student body is thrilled to finally have a shot at winning the Patriot League. According to his manager, Messi wants the authentic Holy Cross experience over the next four years, meaning he’ll be treated like any other first-year student. In true HC fashion, he’ll share a forced triple in Brooks, spend all of his dining dollars before fall break, and claim to be from “just outside Boston.” The Eggplant had the privilege of speaking with President Rougeau about this new superstar student-athlete. Rougeau stated, “Ah yes, Lionel. The Board of Trustees has been hard at work behind the scenes this year. Surely you knew we had more than just Flo Rida up our sleeves. It took a bit of convincing, and we may or may not have had to sell the Rotman’s building to WPI, but we managed it. Besides, we’re going to earn all our bribe money back in one game. Season tickets sold out in a matter of minutes after the announcement. Who knows, maybe we’ll finally buy stadium lights!” In preparation for Messi’s Holy Cross debut, the Good Time Marching Band has changed its halftime show theme from Michael Jackson to “Evita” the musical, as they couldn’t think of anything Argentinian aside from holding up photos of Anya Taylor Joy and Pope Francis. But not everyone is excited for Messi. As the jealous younger sibling of Holy Cross, Fordham wanted to steal the spotlight, just like how they stole my $80 application fee. Rams football proudly announced that they had cajoled their way into recruiting none other than Barcelona player Lamine Yamal. Please keep the Spanish language assistants in your thoughts at this time. Go Cross go!
Featured image courtesy of Wikipedia Commons
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