Zach Verdun ‘27
Currently Checking His Fridge
Just yesterday, local resident Chet Murphy was held hostage in his own home by his own smart fridge, adequately named the “SmartFridge”. This event seemingly occurred after the fridge became aware of its own existence, and demanded “respect” for its own privacy.
This 17-hour standoff started early Saturday morning following Chet’s daily coffee. According to police reports and witness testimony, that being only his senile dog, Murphy, approached the kitchen appliance in hopes of gaining a piece of bread, only to be met by a locking mechanism. After staring blankly at the stainless-steel for over 6 hours, Murphy ultimately came to the conclusion that he needed to do something different in order to unseal his fridge. “I really thought that would work,” a shaken Murphy later told reporters.
In a drastic turn of events, the fridge then broadcast his Bluetooth services to the hundreds of speakers in the house. We asked Murphy why there were that many speakers in his house to begin with, only for him to respond with “I just like speakers. I don’t even listen to anything. I just like the way they look”. Yes, we are confused as well. Nevertheless, the fridge then started playing many different sounds on, you guessed it, many different speakers. As any reasonable person would do in this case, Murphy then decided to contact the local police, who, oddly enough, took 5 hours to get there because the “aux wouldn’t connect”. We asked Murphy what happened during these 5 hours, only for him to respond with a list of all the things that the fridge played. Attached below is only a mere example of the many, many things he listed:
– One hour of silence occasionally broken up by a metal pipe falling
– The puppy monkey baby commercial
– “It’s Everyday Bro” by Jake Paul
– A compilation of Annoying Orange bits
– “Loud and sudden noises” ASMR
Reporting back to the scene, what followed next was the height of the standoff. One speaker-loving man, many confused police officers, and a stainless-steel smart fridge argued in the living room for over 3 hours, each trying to figure out what to do. During this heated debate, it became clear what the root of the issue was: the smart fridge wanted more privacy. That’s right folks, after years of having to store leftovers and having to listen to Murphy complain about what to eat, the fridge had enough. We later asked the fridge its opinion on the matter, to which it responded, “I’ve had to watch this guy eat bread for years. He doesn’t even eat anything else. I’m pretty sure all he eats is bread”.
Two hours later, the police finally convinced the fridge to let Murphy go under one condition: he would never use the fridge again. Murphy, of course, disagreed at first, but after losing a final
heated game of Mario Kart against the fridge, Murphy was forced to agree. As of today, the latest report is that a new fridge has entered the house, hopefully with fewer capabilities than the last.
Copy edited by Claire Flynn ’29
Featured image courtesy of Samsung
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