Tim Elder ’28
Staff Writer
It was the movie that took the summer by storm. Curry Barker’s masterpiece “Obsession” raked in over 500 million at the box office on a mere 750 thousand dollar budget. Seeing this, the secret council that runs Holy Cross decided that they wanted in on the action.
Coming very soon to the Holy Cross bookstore will be “One Wish Willows” that students will be able to purchase and use at their own discretion. Sadly these “One Wish Willows” will not be as effective as Bears from Barker’s magnum opus. Restrictions have been added to the device and it has left students outraged.
The willows will not be allowed to be used for the following: academic improvement, culinary improvement at Kimball, and lastly, they will not be allowed to wish for the secret council to change their ways and improve many other issues on campus.
Some things that the willow can be used for, however, are things like wishing for your friend to spend more money at the bookstore. Or wishing for them to ask for less financial aid. Sources say that the first to test the “One Wish Willow” was Vinect Rougeau himself, but his wish has not yet been made public. Students will lay in wait to see the outcomes of his wish, but if any very excited donors are seen around campus, they probably won’t have to look much further.
Students were recently polled as to what they will likely do once they get their hands on the Willows, and the results were mixed. While one would expect a grand wish with the power the Willow holds, local seniors simply wished for “Good job security after I graduate.” A local first-year student stated that they are gonna wish for “my class crush to simply come talk to me.” He is not wishing for an “Obsession” for him, he just wants to talk to her. One other first-year student stated, “I’m going to wait in line for 8 hours just to wish that my Student ID never gets posted on Fizz.”
What do these wishes say about the state of the campus? Well, it says that even though they hold the power of gods in their hands, the students will still just ask for things to be at a bare minimum level of tolerable because something other than that would simply be too outlandish to start out the semester.
What will the campus look like after the fallout of these Willows? No one knows. But if students start to seem overly obsessed with school work or donating to campus, then we know who got the bulk of the Willows.
Copy edited by Joshua Rosenberg ’29
Featured image courtesy of Focus Features
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