Finn Ryan ‘29
…Or So He Says
Disaster struck this week on campus following an incident involving a young man and his pants. Esteemed scholar and all around stand up kinda guy Brian F. Chapman was caught in a whirlwind of humiliation on Tuesday after a large and highly noticeable wet spot was seen soaking on the crotch of his britches. Chapman remained ignorant of the stain until a cruel fellow student walked up to the poor sap in the dining hall and started to publicly ridicule him. “Ew wtffff????” She said, loudly. “Did you PEE yourself or something? Hey! Everyone at Holy Cross! Look at this loser!” Every head in Kimball immediately snapped to the stain that sat discourteously upon his pants before erupting into laughter.
“It’s from the grass! The dew! I was just sitting down on the quad!” Chapman hopelessly protested as tears began to well in his eyes, “Honest!” His cries of objection fell upon deaf ears however as the raucous laughter only grew louder. Fully crying now and unable to get words out anymore, the pitiful yet undeniably handsome young man ran out of the dining hall and back to his dorm with his face in his hands.
By the time he calmed down and stopped the tears streaming down his face 11 hours later, he managed to pull out his phone and open Fizz to see what the haps’ were around campus. To Chapman’s horror though, he was met with only further humiliation upon seeing thousands of photos and hurtful comments mocking his vestimentary tragedy. “Oh no,” he lamented to himself as his face turned white. “This is a nightmare. Imagine all the fine ahh huzz that saw me like this! I’m RUINED!”
“There there,” a deep voice behind him spoke. “You’re not ruined ol’ pal. Matter a’fact, you’re just getting started.” Chapman turned around and couldn’t believe his eyes. “Woah! Celebrated singer/actor and legend of the Christmas season Bing Crosby! Is it really you?” “Sure is, my friend,” his voice was smooth as butter, instantly soothing Chapman’s still-distressed soul. “Now I know you’re all torn up about this whole stain hullabaloo, but look here: there ain’t a thing to be worried about. Little embarrassments like that happen to all of us.” “Thanks Bing,” Chapman replied. “But what about all those people making fun of me?” “Oh, they’ll forget about it soon enough. They always do,” and with a puff of his pipe and a wink, Bing was gone. “Wow,” Chapman said, smiling now. “Thanks Bing Crosby.”
Featured image courtesy of Wikipedia
Copy Edited by Annamaria DeCamp ’27
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