The Spire

Cuomo, Ciattarelli Announce Italian-American Coup

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Finn Ryan ‘29

Fuhgeddaboudit

This past Election Day was a big one for Democrats in the Northeast. Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani secured the mayorship in New York City with 50.4 percent of the vote in a three way race amid historic voter turnout, and Rep Mikie Sherrill pulled out a win in the New Jersey gubernatorial election, taking home 56.5 percent of the vote. For many voters, these elections were a referendum on the current administration and Trump’s performance as president almost 300 days into his term. For others, affordability and immigration ranked among the most salient issues. Whatever the case, voters sent a clear message about institutional change and the type of candidates they like to see on ballots last Tuesday.

This message, however, was not so clear for everyone. Most losing candidates nationwide accepted their defeat gracefully; Republican NYC candidate Curtis Sliwa in particular delivered a decidedly heartfelt speech conceding the race to Mamdani, tearfully stating “you can’t buy us, rent us, lease us. We are not for sale. We are the people.” For candidates Jack Ciattarelli and Andrew Cuomo, though, they received a different message entirely. “Election Day was a wholesale rejection of Italian-Americans as citizens of the United States,” former governor Cuomo proclaimed shortly after his defeat. “That much is clear. That’s why myself and my colleague Ciattarelli are, as of this moment, declaring a state of war between all of Italian America and the infidels that seek to stamp them out.”

Mr. Ciattareli further clarified this announcement in his own speech later that night. “It is our intention to create a joint Jerseyan-Yorker sphere of influence stretching from Newark to Long Island and as far north as Poughkeepsie. Those not of Italian origin are not encouraged to stay, however if they choose to do so viewings of My Cousin Vinny are mandatory nightly. Ugh, Pesci is absolutely golden.” The two have called upon Italian-Americans to rise up across the nation and move en masse to the new state. As we grapple with the implications of this new announcement, citizens are encouraged to be wary of their Italian-American neighbors and take caution as it’s unclear where their loyalties yet lie. On a positive note, restaurants will likely be a hell of a lot quieter following this change.

Featured image courtesy of Google Images

Copy Edited by Lauren Zerella ’29

6 responses to “Cuomo, Ciattarelli Announce Italian-American Coup”

  1. (rather not say) Avatar
    (rather not say)

    “Is your hair wet, or is that just Italian butter?” – HC roommate to me at HC

    “The Sopranos ending made my already irrational disdain for Italians even stronger.” – same guy a few years later

    “At the wedding, will you and Vinny and the rest of you Italian guys hand him a white envelope and kiss each other on the cheek?” – same guy a few more years later

    (Tywin Lannister voice) “Any Italian who gets offended by satire is no true Italian.”

    Reply
  2. Avatar
    Anonymous

    This article is supposed to be “satire “ at the expense of Italian Americans to make a stupid statement on Trump. It isn’t funny. Imagine if the author wrote the same racist article but aimed at African Americans? But the author, chooses to take aim at successful Italian Americans. The author appears to have an Irish name. This POS should take the leprechaun out of his ass , go back to the bar he came from, and drink until he gets so drunk that he fu*ks his sister

    Reply
    1. Avatar
      Anonymous

      I thought it was funny

      Reply
    2. Avatar
      Anonymous

      yes! Fight Italian American “racism” with Irish racism!

      Reply
    3. Avatar
      Anonymous

      In your 87 words it seems the only thing you have correct is that this article is indeed “satire.” From the cheerful and loving tone of your message I can assume that you are the life of the party wherever you go and that you possess an abundance of friends. I can never imagine myself or any reasonable human being for that matter taking time out of their day to write a vulgar and nonsensical comment about a satirical article regarding a relevant political topic. Your reply almost reads as more of a cry for help rather than an intellectual critique. It radiates a message of someone who hasn’t had a laugh in quite some time and maybe you should look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself who you really are and how you got this way. Satire and the author of this article aren’t your enemy, the lack of joy in your life is. Instead of fixing yourself you choose to project your unfulfilling life onto others. Maybe consider taking a breath or perhaps unclench a little. Let yourself experience a feeling other than cruel bitterness. I truly hope you take this advice so that you stop trying to fight every joke as if it’s a personal attack. Sir or madam I hate to inform you that the world does not in fact revolve around you. I feel sorry for the people in your life who have to deal with an Adult that possesses the same emotional resilience as a Kindergartner who has been told recess is canceled. Or perhaps this all ties back to your upbringing. Did your parents coddle you to your every need? It seems you’ve inherited their toothpick like back bone.

      Sincerely,

      Patrick Seamus O’Callahan

      Reply
  3. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Cuomo and Ciattarelli are poor losers and as an Italian American I am deeply disappointed in both of them.
    Accept defeat gracefully and go home and work for all American people.

    Reply

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