Ian Sykes ’28
Staff Writer
Amidst the housing crisis at Holy Cross, the companies BlackRock, State Street, and Vanguard, some of America’s largest corporate asset managers and capital consolidation conglomerates, have led the charge to fix the campus housing crisis by courageously buying every dormitory on campus.
“I mean, this really is something,” said Vincent Rogeau, President of Holy Cross. “I was imagining that we would have a forced-pentuples situation, since we are running out of forced quads for our students to live in … but thankfully, our good friends on Wall Street have decided to help us out here.”
In a historic purchase that involved little more than walking in and buying the place, CEOs from the aforementioned companies walked up to campus one day and slammed a few of their slave-mined gold bars on the desks of the Office of Residence Life and Housing. According to the Office, “that was all it took for these companies to save Holy Cross from a dire housing situation.”
At Holy Cross, students have been overadmitted to the college in alarming numbers due to a supposed “rounding error.” According to the Housing office, “one of our interns accidentally tweaked the Acceptance-Rate-O-Tron to be 100% instead of 10%… so we’ve had to make some accommodations. However, with the help of these prudent plutocrats, we’ve managed to solve this situation.”
The current reason as to how BlackRock, State Street, and Vanguard buying campus housing would solve the housing crisis is yet unclear. However, the CEOs from those companies have maintained that solving this crisis “just takes time,” and involves a process of “‘trickle-down’ and ‘pulling-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-and-buying-a-house-with-your-Kimball-paycheck-like-I-did-back-in-my-day’ economics.”
The “Big Three” capital consolidators—BlackRock, State Street, and Vanguard—have long been accused of engaging in monopolistic activities regarding the housing market, given their trillions in capital holdings and the disproportionate share of single-family homes on the housing market that they own. However, the companies have repeatedly disavowed these claims, like with one CEO, Bighass Monneybags, calling these claims “heresy that completely undermines our noble focus—not on breaking the housing market, but instead on supporting every American family by outbidding you and and making sure that your ‘American Dream’ becomes little more than another reason to put you into a mental asylum for seeing things that aren’t real.”
In addition to campus housing, the three companies have also recently acquired Holy Cross’ Rotmans property, with plans to turn it into a homeless-shelter-and-prison combo.
Featured image courtesy of Google Images
Copy Edited by Lauren Zerella ’29
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