Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29
The ice caps are not the only ones melting.
The most wonderful time of the year officially began on Nov. 1 as Ms. Mariah Carey, the Queen of Christmas, defrosted with her usual holiday magic. However, the much anticipated tradition was just inches away from being jeopardized and completely ruined due to one reason and one reason only: global warming.
As many of you know, Ms. Carey retreats into an intricately chiseled block of ice at the end of each Christmas season. This one-of-a-kind ice block is carefully preserved throughout the spring and summer months so that Ms. Carey can make her glorious appearance the minute Oct.31 becomes Nov. 1. No one really knows why Nov. 1 has been deemed the “start of the Christmas season,” and frankly, it’s kind of a kick in the teeth to Thanksgiving, but I digress.
The Christmas season could not begin any other way, and, without the defrosting of everyone’s favorite whistle-noter, it is likely that Christmas would not happen at all. So you can see the terrible predicament the entire world was thrown into when the famed ice block broke out into a cold sweat on Oct. 30, forming a puddle that threatened to turn all of our Christmas lists into a soggy pile of mush.
Poe LaBear, a polar bear who bears a striking resemblance to Junior Mint (the real star of TSITP) and who guards the Carey ice block, has presented himself as the sole witness to the early melting.
“I was just watchin’ the big lump of ice, ya know guard business and such, and all of the sudden she starts a-melting!” LaBear said. “I was like ‘WOAH! WOAH! WOAAAH!’ because she was still supposed to be chillin’ and stuff, and instead, she was UN-chillin.’”
LaBear went on to explain his initial horror at the almost early start to the holiday season, noting the significant effect it has had on his view of climate change as a whole.
“I never thought too much about it, ya know. I mean, the early meltin’ of Ms. Carey has really made me realize just how big of a problem it is.” LaBear said. “Halloween would have been ruined, and that would have tarnished the entire Christmas season. I don’t think people know just how close we were to having a cursed holiday season.”
When the perilous thawing seemed imminent, it was Poe LaBear who acted with commendable speed and courage. Some say it was the coldness of his gaze (I think this rumor may have been circulated by LaBear himself), but whatever that polar bear did sufficiently postponed Carey’s defrost until the proper date. Thus, Halloweekend was held with great energy, Mariah Carey screamed “It’s TIIIIIIMMME” on Nov. 1, the Christmas season was saved, and the ice caps are still meltin–wait, sorry. Actually, that part is unfortunately true so I’ll leave that in. Anyways, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Copy Edited by Colette Potter ’26
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