Ian Sykes ’28
Is this why tuition was raised?
As it turns out, you can only lose $440, but give it to Vinny and you could get a whole lot more.
Sulking over his decrepit iPhone 67, laden with crust from the doomscrolling and chronic gambling, Vinny placed yet another bet of $440 on black. Blackjack. He couldn’t get enough of it, and enough was what he never got.
“Ah yes. A chronic gambling addiction. A tradition as old as our school.” His booming voice echoed throughout the empty corridors of Fenwick Hall as he clicked on his phone screen. Tap, tap, tap, crap, crap, crap! He just lost his daughter’s trust fund savings account. This was the third time this week! No problem, he thought. It’s time to bring out old reliable.
There it was, underneath a decaying floorboard – the Crusader Credit Card. This beaut held the last of his savings – the Student Activity Fees he’d collected throughout the years.
As it turned out, those fees that were mercilessly charged every year were embezzled straight into VinCoin, a “to the moon” memecoin that Vinny coined many moons ago. His habit got so bad that he lost the house, the second house, the third, fourth, and also the fifth house. He also sold his wife on the black market for Minecraft Movie tickets and more gambling money. Thankfully, he still had the sixth and seventh houses, but those had already been consumed by the Holy Curse, and were rendered ungambleable.
Wow, he thought. I’ve been daydreaming this whole time. I need to get back to gambling.
Desolate. Uninhabited. Ridden with Brooks silverfish that vaguely resembled Anthony Fauci. Holy Cross closed years ago, maybe even decades now. He had no clue. The only thing that could be heard out of where he was holed up, in the Exorcism Room, was him yelling at the clanker on his phone telling him that he lost all of his money once again.
After increasing the tuition so much that the activities fee made up 6767% of the tuition, students got skeptical all those years ago. As the legend has it, one student went up to Vinny and asked him, “Why is the student activities fee $67676767 dollars? I’m gonna go broke!” Vinny responded by reciting an old nursery rhyme, “Remember son. If you ever get sprayed by the Holy Skunk, and you happen to flunk, then get krunk and put $440 on RainBet.”
Featured image courtesy of Holy Cross Magazine
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