Lauren Backstrom ‘27
Staff Writer
It’s no silly coincidence that cold weather and fantasy football seem to occur at the same time. As the men in our lives become frostier, so too does the air become chillier, and it is up to America’s Strongest Soldiers (girlfriends) to hold the fort down. I personally would not classify fantasy football as “that serious.” However, after I mentioned this to my boyfriend, he looked at me like I’d just killed his grandma. Therefore, I present to all of you girlfriends attempting to navigate the cold weather and even colder attitudes that accompany the Reckoning of all Reckonings, Fantasy Football Season, with a 101 guide on how to do so effectively, quickly, and with the least amount of tears from both you and your losing boyfriend.
- Don’t Ask Questions
Critical error. If you ask questions, you make it seem like you might have some insight. You don’t. If you ask why a certain player is losing, he will look at you like you’re crazy. If you ask why he doesn’t just “change his team,” he will begin to cry. A Fantasy Football Girlfriend is better seen and not heard. Just let him have his loss, ladies.
- Don’t Offer Advice.
Another misstep. If you offer up suggestions, you give the impression that you have some knowledge of the complexity and nuances that are an integral part of The Game. You do not. All you know is that Patrick Mahomes is good, and when you attempt to make this known to your boyfriend, he will then inform you that the person he is competing against this week in fantasy is twice his height, has not lost any games, and is a “Mahomes Owner.” Then he may begin to cry.
- Do Not Mention the Names Arthur Smith, Bijan Robinson, or Calvin Ridley
I don’t know who any of these people are. However, whenever these names pop up on my boyfriend’s phone via the ESPN app, his eyes get teary and suddenly we cannot go and get Acai Bowls because he needs a moment. Naturally, I concluded that the mention of these names, and perhaps others, may be detrimental to our relationship.
- Never Discuss The Future.
Many men are biologically afraid of the future because that might imply commitment. This is sort of the case with fantasy football as well. If you tell him he will have better luck next year, or that he should try drafting different people for the next season, he will become increasingly volatile and may try to put his phone down the toilet. This is a highly dangerous situation, but also highly avoidable. Simply do not mention next season at all; he’s losing so badly that he can barely handle looking at himself in the mirror every morning.
- Protect Your Peace
The fact is, your boyfriend will not be the same man he was until after January, and that’s okay. The times in which you get a glimpse of his old, happy, and whimsical self will be enough. You must simply remain calm. Once he recovers from the humiliation of a fantasy football punishment, he will be able to perform boyfriend duties as per usual. Until next September. Probably.
Photo courtesy of Pixel Free Photos
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