Aiden Konold ’26
Old Hacks Golf League (OHL) Commissioner
This past weekend, Johnny Hacks won the Master Hackers’ Golf Championship at Augustahacks National, shooting the highest score in the field during the weekend to give him his first major victory. Instead of trying to shoot low, Hacks has always tried to shoot as high as possible, hitting balls into water hazards, hitting balls out of play and into the backyards of people neighboring the course, and so on in an attempt to break course’s highest scores records.
The only reason Hacks had ever reached the OHL (Old Hacks Tour) was because there would be times he would try to shoot a high score, and be so good that he would still hit remarkable shots. Hacks certainly had the ability to shoot low, he just thought doing so was too easy and he was frustrated the OHL did not make changes to reward the golfers shooting the highest scores, which Hacks thought was more challenging. Hacks also thought that because his name was shared in the tour title, he should have some say in determining the OHL’s rules.
With his hitting coach, Hacks would work diligently on making his swing as bad as possible and then go out to courses in the hopes of shooting the highest score possible. He would try to miss putts, but they’d just drop. He would try to shank tee shots into the woods and into hazards and instead hit his tee balls right down the middle of the fairway, miles away from where he had intended to land them.
Reporters would interview Hacks after his tournaments and he would say the same thing each time: “You know, this course is just very difficult. It just does not allow you to shoot a high score. I try to hit really bad shots, and they just happen to pan out and bad putts just happen to drop. I try my best out there to shoot a high score and win the tournament, it’s just that these OHL courses make it very difficult to do so. The officials and supervisors don’t make it any easier, as they just award for whatever reason the win to golfers who just do what these courses allow them to do and shoot low scores. The goal of golf should be to go out there and shoot high scores, which is difficult to do, and I just feel I’m not rewarded for doing my best and breaking course records.”
Hacks always wanted to win his first OHL tournament and he thought his best opportunity came this past weekend in his first Master Hackers’ appearance, which he won, defying all odds. Hacks was coming fresh off the Valishack Championship, in which he made the cut, then shot the course record Sunday, going 50 shots over par. The problem was, OHL officials, for whatever reason, decided to declare as winners the golfers who happened to shoot the lowest scores. Hacks was disappointed that he was not being rewarded for going out breaking course records.
He was, though, beyond proud of his continued accomplishments of breaking course records, though the media constantly made fun of him for shooting so high purposefully and being so proud of doing so. As Hacks still believed that shooting the highest possible score was ideal to win, he thought his recent trajectory set him on the path to forcing the OHL to change their rules, under which he could win his first major, the Master Hacker’s Championship.
Hacks, though, was worried that officials may keep him from winning as he had previously had disputes with OHL officials, especially after he got frustrated that certain balls he thought he hit out of play were deemed to in fact be playable. Hacks would attempt to hit balls out of play in order to better his chances at shooting an extremely high score, though when the officials determined that the balls were playable, they took away his shot at hitting another ball from his previous spot and taking a one stroke penalty.
Coming into the Master Hackers’ tournament, Hacks had nearly been suspended from the OHL tournaments for disorderly conduct directed at officials. They’d always tell Hacks that he needed to shoot low to win, and he always responded by telling them he did score low by having these numb-nuts officiating and keeping him from success on the OHL Tour, which he said would come when he forced the OHL to change its rules.
Hacks was in the midst of dialing in his game in the hopes of winning his first major tournament the Wednesday before tournament play began, trying to hit the worst shots imaginable on the range and he had just come fresh off breaking the course record at Augustahacks’ National Country Club during Tuesday’s practice round. Thus, he was feeling very confident in his ability to shoot high, to say the least. Prior to the tournament, he had conspired with his agent to pay off the officials to finally allow him to win his first major tournament. Hacks’ agent was willing to go through with the plan, ultimately paying off both the rules’ officials and the tournament officials who were responsible for awarding the trophy and the Green Hacket to the winner.
On the first day of the tournament, Hacks knew he would have to play his absolute worst on Thursday and Friday in order to make the cut and limit the speculation that he was merely paying off officials to win. So Hacks went out and tried to keep from going out and breaking his recent course record, instead going 4-under par each day to sit at 8-under headed into the weekend, hitting some of the worst shots of his life and unfortunately sinking putts from well over 30 feet, though he knew this is what he would have to do to put himself in contention. This, though, would be a big hole for him to try to dig himself out of Saturday and Sunday to win under OHL rule changes, which would grant as victor the golfer shooting the highest scores Saturday and Sunday.
On Saturday and Sunday, Hacks went out and just tore up the course, literally and figuratively. Course officials constantly told him to stop with this outrageous behavior, though he responded by saying he would pay off all damaged property with his earnings from winning the tournament. And win it he would, when the paid off officials came to the conclusion that they would switch around the rules during the weekend and award the Green Hacket to the golfer shooting the highest possible score. Hacks, after shooting the lowest scores of the field on Thursday and Friday had a challenge ahead of himself, though during the weekend he led the field in missed fairways and balls hit out of play, well on his way to setting a new course record. After Sunday concluded, Hacks sat at the bottom of the leaderboard, in prime position to win his first OHL tournament in its new format. The golf world was rather skeptical of handing a victory to a golfer who had shot such high scores over the weekend.
Despite such criticism, Wiger Toods awarded the Green Hacket to Hacks on Sunday. In his acceptance speech, Hacks said, “It feels good to finally be given what I deserve. I’ve worked so hard over the course of my career to match my swing to this course, and it’s nice to see the OHL finally make changes that should have been made years ago. These changes are right for the game of golf.”
As the OHL commissioner, I responded to criticism from OHL professional golfers and fans, saying, “We are always trying to expand interest in the game of golf and by making sudden changes, we can ensure that we increase participation within the OHL to weekend warriors and never evers alike, giving them all an equal chance to win our tournaments and make a decent living doing it. That’s what the OHL is all about, hacking up courses across the country and opening up opportunities to all. We would never ever accept bribes to change our rules.”
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