Grace Bromage ‘23

Single and ready to mingle… on myHeart??

Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

Covid-19 has certainly changed many aspects of personal life, especially dating. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have seen increased usership since the start of the pandemic. Now, the College of the Holy Cross hopes to ride this trend, introducing a dating function on their myHC app to increase its usership.

The dating section of the myHC app (nicknamed myHeart) is aimed at students who wish to connect with people on campus. Like the current myHC, the interests that students select and their profile picture will be displayed for others within the app to see. Students can also opt to fill out “ice breaker” questions such as “what is your ideal first date” and “favorite Beatitude.” Students can then “swipe” if they are interested in a student’s profile. When students are mutually interested in each other’s profiles it will be a “match.” Once you and another student “match,” a private message function will open, allowing the two students to talk. (This journalist questioned the validity of that decision given that myHC already has a chat function, but ultimately decided to trust the school’s judgment as she does with all aspects of her life.)

If any student worries that this sounds similar to other dating apps, never fear: on myHeart students swipe left for ‘yes’ and right for ‘no.’

“At first, I was confused by this setup that seemed to counter every other popular dating service out there, but I soon praised Holy Cross’s ingenuity,” Meghan Brown ’21 said.

“Over quarantine, I downloaded Bumble and Tinder to meet new people,” Brown said.  “When I found out that myHC was launching a dating function, I signed up right away! It’s now my go-to dating app! I love that it always seems to glitch when I’m using it and the countless notifications that never seem to apply to me! I especially love how, if the dates go poorly, there’s a 90% chance that I will have an awkward encounter with them in Kimball the next day!”

Another exciting function of myHeart is its leadership board. Users score points based on how many interested swipes they receive from others. When asked if this could upset people who are not frequently swiped left on, the app’s developers refused to comment.

I decided to talk to the man at the top of the leadership board himself, Liam Murphy ’22, about his experience with myHeart.

“It’s great to know that so many HC women are interested in me, but I really joined myHeart to find my lifelong match right here at Holy Cross. I just want to enjoy some W.A.P. with a nice girl,” Murphy sighed.

When asked to clarify what he meant by “W.A.P.,” he simply raised his eyebrows at my wide-eyed stare and responded, “Worship and prayer. You know, sharing my religious devotion with the woman of my dreams? What did you think I meant?” (This interviewer will not comment on that point, but asks future interviewees to think twice before using vague acronyms.)

Fr. Boroughs would like to remind students that this exciting new development is not an excuse to fall behind on their studies. “We recognize that this is a challenging time and some of you still wish to have social lives. However, academics are Holy Cross’s number one priority. They are even more important to us than your mental health.”

To find myHeart, simply go to the “more” section at the bottom right-hand of the screen and scroll down until you see the heart icon. Simply fill out a profile and you’ll be all set to go. Happy swiping!