Editor’s note: This article appears in our annual Eggplant Edition, comprised exclusively of satirical articles.

“How to Give a Performative Response: Show Students You Care Without Actually Helping” webinar presented by the Holy Cross Deans on Monday, March 29th at 4 P.M.

This month’s 15th zoom webinar to discuss the possible changes to the core curriculum, titled “If You Attend, We Will Send Less Emails” on Tuesday, March 30th at 11:15 A.M. 

Health Services invites students to attend the optional “How to Stay Safe Over Easter Break” webinar* on Monday, March 29th at 8 P.M. 

Webinar to discuss new enrollment practice, titled “We Think This Plan Might Not Upset Everyone” on Wednesday March 31st at 5 P.M.

*consequences for not attending this webinar include suspension, banishment from campus, and being forced to sit through a 5 hour loop of Fr Boroughs reading the school’s COVID-19 policies